


I loved you first

by Eve1978



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Drama & Romance, F/M, Flashbacks, the one that got away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7945492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emmy is Tom’s best friend and while they have tried taking their relationship to another level over the years it never really happened, putting a lot of heartbreak and unresolved feelings between the two of them. </p><p>When Emmy hears about Tom’s new girlfriend she doesn’t waste any time and rushes over to London with only one thing in mind: finally making him realize that she has been the one all along.</p><p>This story has 7 chapters, there will be eventual smut and a lot of feels and angst along the way. Feedback is very much appreciated ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

(2012)

‘If you leave now that’s it, it is never going to happen between us!’ he yelled in frustration, his hands pulled at his blond curls nervously before he hung his arms next to his body in a defeated shrug.  

I was on my way out of the room but stopped with my hand on the door handle, a heavy sigh escaped my lips. I didn’t want to turn around and have to look at him, looking at those beautiful pleading eyes would be the end of me right now, but even with my back to him I could feel them on me.

 ‘Are you sure that’s what you want?’ he then asked again, his voice was calmer now.  I didn’t dare move a muscle, afraid he would see right through this fake wall of indifference I had tried to pull up.

‘Please look at me,’ he asked.

 ‘If I look at you I’ll never leave.’ 

‘Would that really be such a bad thing?’

I turned around and looked up, regretting it the instant my dark eyes met with his heavenly blue ones and I watched the little pleading smile on his lips.

  ‘Why now?’ I asked,’ why ask me now? Our lives are about to change, Tom! You are leaving next week, your timing…fucking sucks!’

‘I know,’ he sighed, and he walked up to me,’ I know. I just…I couldn’t let you walk away without telling you how I feel. I should have done this sooner.’ 

‘Yes, you bloody well should have!’ now my voice was the one filled with frustration.  

His face was inches from mine and I was suddenly finding it harder to breathe, he lifted his hands to cup my face, leaving me no choice but to look deep into his eyes. His thumbs were caressing my cheekbones while he licked his lips.  

‘Em,’ he whispered,’ I know the timing isn’t perfect, but it is never going to be exactly how we want it, that’s life. I still want us to try because…I am so completely in love with you, my darling. If we don’t take this chance now…I’m afraid we never will.’ 

All I could do was stare at him, my heart was starting to race when he leaned his forehead against mine and his voice dropped to a sweet low whisper.

‘Please don’t tell me it’s too late, Em.’  

I still couldn’t move, the words stayed stuck in my throat as my heart fought with my mind to come up with an answer. The tears were streaming down my cheeks when I finally managed to speak,’ I can’t do this now, Tom.’

***

(Today)

I know, I was an idiot and that right there was the moment I would regret for the rest of my life, if I could just take back those words everything would be so different now.   

But that’s the thing, even if I could go back and change it I would still do exactly the same, because I truly believed we weren’t ready then. Or I wasn’t ready at least.   
It’s always about timing, timing is everything, and ours had always been completely off.

  I closed my eyes and leaned back against the seat of the train, it was slowing down, we were almost there.  

I knew it was no use dwelling on the past, it was three years ago and life goes on. My life has, and obviously his had too, which is what brought me here.    
A simple text message from a friend a few weeks ago: ‘Oh by the way, Tom was at the party and he looked amazing! He was with that same girl again, I think it’s getting serious, Em, they looked completely smitten with each other. I swear I can almost hear the wedding bells!’ 

You know when you think you’re over something, but then someone mentions it to you and you realize it still hurts exactly as much as it did before. It’s like an old wound that never truly heals, it just becomes a part of you so much that you don’t feel it anymore until one day, unexpectedly, you bump your arm and hit that exact spot.  
 My friend hadn’t seen any harm in sending that text, since to her me and Tom had never been anything more than friends.   

But now there was a tiny crack in the wall where my phone landed after I threw it across the living room in an angry, jealous fit and it was nothing compared to the crack that message left in my heart.

I took my ear buds out and turned off my iPod while the train was making its way into London Pancras. I carefully put everything into my bag and took my suitcase as I stepped out onto the platform, letting out a sigh of relief to be back on London soil.

At least some things were still the same, I felt at home as soon as my feet hit the pavement.    
I had barely taken a couple of steps when two thin arms wrapped themselves around me from behind and pulled me into a hug, almost making me drop my bag.

‘Hello, my sweet little Emmy!’ she laughed into my ear.

 ‘Good god, Haley, don’t do that,’ I smiled as I turned around to hug back the dark haired woman looking at me with a big smile.

 ‘You made it!’

‘Barely,’ I smiled as my friend took my bag and we both started walking towards the underground station. 

‘How was your flight?’  
 ‘Long and filled with turbulence,’ I sighed,’ how is London?’  
 ‘Rainy and filled with tourists,’ she said putting a smile on my face,’ but over the moon to have you back in its quarters.’ 

‘It does feel good to be back,’ I admitted,’ now are you sure I shouldn’t just book a hotel room? I don’t wanna be in your space, I know the apartment isn’t that big…’  
 ‘We’ve shared it before, Emmy,’ she shook her head in protest,’ I’m sure we can do it again. Besides, my best friend is finally back in town after 3 years, I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can.’

I closed my eyes while the train carried us through the underground of London, the smells and sounds surrounding me made it feel as if I had been here just yesterday. The city had a way of doing that every time, no matter how long I had been away London always welcomed me back with open arms.   
The stress of the long and bumpy flight was starting to leaving me little by little as we neared our stop. 

It helped that Haley’s apartment still looked exactly the same as I remembered it from when we were roommates.  
After having dinner together, I retreated to my room and started unpacking my suitcase, when I put all of my clothes in the small closet I found the picture on the bottom and let out a deep sigh.

It was one of the few actual pictures I’ve kept during the past years, the beautiful young girl in it looked so carefree and happy, so different from the woman she was now.  I must have been about 22 there, with not a clue what life would bring me.

His face was nuzzled up against my cheek, those big blond curls peaking in every direction, his cheeks red and his smile so loving and genuine. I remembered exactly when and where it was taken, in his first small flat in London, the night I fell in love with him, the night everything changed.   

I let out a deep sigh and fought back the tears I felt welling up in my eyes.

‘Hey there,’ Haley stood in the doorway with her arms crossed and a sympathizing smile on her face.  I wiped away my tears and tried to smile. 

‘Hey,’ I sighed.

She walked over to me and sat down next to me on the bed.  
 ‘Are you okay, sweetie?’ she asked, a look of concern of her face as she took my hand.

‘I’m fine,’ I shook my head and stopped the tears,’ I’m just a bit jet lagged, you know I get overly emotional when I’m tired.’

 ‘Uh-huh,’ she said.

 ‘I didn’t come here to cry, Hales.’    
‘Why did you come here, Emmy?’ she asked, a serious look on her face this time.

 ‘I’m…not really sure,’ I sighed.  
 ‘Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon to have my friend back but…I don’t think you came back for me, did you?’  
I shook my head.

 ‘I just need to see him,’ I then admitted,’ I don’t know what will happen if I do but…’  
 ‘Just promise me you won’t do anything foolish, alright?’  
 ‘You know me,’ I answered with a little smile.

‘Exactly,’ she smiled and shook her head,’ you should get some sleep.’ 

***

(2006)

 

‘Emmy, was it?’

 I could barely hear him over the loud music and just nodded my head, I usually ignored guys like him but he was a friend of our group, it seemed rude not to talk to him when he was trying so hard to bring me out of my shell. 

 And I had to admit he was rather cute, just not the type of cute I would usually fall for, he was too skinny and he looked about 17 years old, which I knew from our group that he wasn’t. He must be at least 20, my age.   
But he had a really sweet smile and kind eyes. It was the combination of those two that made me decide to start a conversation with him that night. 

That and those funny looking blond curls on his head.  He reminded me of one of those little angle statues my grandmother kept on top of her desk, all that was missing was a halo. His face was all smiles and innocence. The latter, I would soon find out, was debatable.

  ‘Yes, it’s Emmy,’ I said as I took my drink from the small table and leaned forward to look into his eyes,’ do you want to go outside where we can talk better?’  
I didn’t wait for his answer but started walking through the crowd until I made my way past the dance floor, I smiled to see he was right behind me when I reached the exit.

He followed me down the parking lot until we found a quiet spot to sit, on a small wall near the street. He sat a little closer to me than I expected from a stranger.  I realized why when his hand came to rest on my lower back and he pulled me to him, looking deep into my eyes as he slowly leaned his face towards mine, his eyes fluttering closed while his lips parted. 

‘What are you doing?’ I asked and I put my hand on his chest and pulled my head back, putting a look of surprise on his face.

 ‘I thought…when girls ask you to go outside it usually means…that they want to…you know, oh god that’s not what you meant, isn’t it?’ he was blushing and stuttering through his words and I found my initial reaction of wanting to get angry with him quickly changing into sympathy.    
‘That wasn’t an invitation to make out, no,’ I stated.

  ‘Oh fuck,’ embarrassed he covered his face with his hands and shook his head,’ I am so sorry! Shit, I never know what the signs are, I was sure I read it right this time!’

 ‘It’s fine, I guess I wasn’t being entirely clear,’ I gave him a little smile to prove that I wasn’t angry.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again,’ god, of course you don’t want to make out, you don’t even know my name.’   
‘You’re Tom,’ I smiled, making him look at me in surprise. 

‘Haley mentioned you before,’ I explained,’ I’m her roommate.’   
‘Oh, right, you’re that Emmy!’  
 ‘The one and only.’

‘Well, it’s nice to meet you, Emmy,’ he then said,’ I’m sorry if I acted like an ass, I truly didn’t mean to offend you.’  
 ‘You didn’t,’ I said,’ honestly, it’s fine, I’m flattered.’  
‘You are?’ he asked surprised.

  ‘Of course, a pretty guy wants to make out with me, why would I be offended by that?’ 

‘You think I’m a pretty guy?’   
I could see a little cocky smile on his face when I looked up.  

‘Yes,’ I smiled and I noticed the smile spread all over his face in a happy grin,’ I’m still not going to make out with you though.’

‘Damn,’ he sighed,’ I was just going to say that if you changed your mind about that, it’s still on the table.’  
I looked into his blue eyes, he may have started off clumsy but I could see the hint of mischief in those flirty eyes right now. He wasn’t as innocent as he appeared to be.   
‘Still? Excuse me, it was never, not even for a minute or a second, ever on the table!’ I shook my head but couldn’t help but smile. 

‘Why not?’ he asked,’ you think I’m pretty, I think you’re drop dead gorgeous, it doesn’t have to mean anything.’  
  ‘I don’t kiss if it doesn’t mean anything,’ I said, taking the smile off his face.

 ‘I can be open to that,’ he then spoke softly and he carefully put his hand on my knee. I had to admit he was a lot smoother than I had given him credit for, but I still had no interest in whatever he was offering.    
We both stayed quiet for a moment, I know he was waiting my response before he would try and make another move. It was no use leading him on.  

‘I don’t know what you’re looking for but I’m not your girl, Tom,’ I then said as I took back my hand and stood up.   
 ‘Now how do you know you’re not exactly what I’m looking for?’ he then said and he stood up and followed me like an eager puppy. 

‘Trust me, I’m not,’ I smiled as we walked back into the club together.    
‘Okay, so making out is definitely off the table,’ he was walking behind me and took my hand again,’ will you at least dance with me then? One dance?’ 

He spun me around and I looked right into his angel face, a little hopeful smile on his lips.  
  ‘Or does that have to mean something too?’ he teased. 

‘Alright,’ I said in a smile,’ one dance.’

***

(Today)

The loud buzzing of my cell phone woke me up the next morning, it took me a few moments to realize where I was, in my old bed, in Haley’s flat, in London. Home.   
My arm reached for the night stand until I managed to grab my phone and hit the first button my fingers could reach.  I let out a long annoyed sigh.

’Hello?’  
I looked at my phone and noticed it wasn’t an alarm but an incoming call. When I noticed his name on the screen I jumped up in the bed and was suddenly wide awake.

 ‘Tom?’ I asked carefully, my voice still hoarse from being asleep for over twelve hours.  
 ‘I woke you up, didn’t I?’ his soft voice was suddenly very close to me when I brought my phone to my ear.  
 ‘Shit, I should have known you’d be jet-lagged,’ he continued,’ I’m sorry, darling.

‘I’m awake,’ I whispered and I sat up against the bed head,’ hello, stranger.’

‘Good morning,’ I could practically hear the smile on his face,’ a little birdie told me you were in London.’

 ‘Emma,’ I sighed,’ she wasn’t supposed to say anything, I was going to surprise you.’

‘Well, you know she can’t keep a secret, especially not a big one like that, what are you doing in London?’

‘I came to see y…Haley,’ I quickly corrected myself,’ I had some holiday days saved up at work and nothing to do, so…here I am.’  
 He let out a deep sigh.

‘How long has it been, Em?’ he then asked.  
 ‘Too long,’ I spoke quietly,’ three or four years, but who’s counting?’

It’s been three years, one month and two weeks, give or take a day or two.

He stayed quiet for a few moments.  ‘There’s a party at my house this afternoon,’ he then said,’ please tell me you’ll come?’

‘I wouldn’t miss it.’

***

I walked trough the garden of Tom’s house later that afternoon, unsure of what exactly was considered a ‘party’ I had chosen not to dress up too formal but just wear my safe classic black pants and white top and put up my long brown hair. And high heels just in case this thing was more formal than I had expected.

‘Emmy!’ she squealed and pulled me into a hug before I had the chance to recognize her.  
  ‘Emma,’ I smiled when she finally broke the hug and showed me her face. 

‘It is so good to see you again, you haven’t changed one bit!’

‘Neither have you,’ I smiled,’ still stunning.’

‘Oh stop, we both know who inherited the beauty in this family,’ she waved her hand and then pointed me towards the house,’ he’s over there waiting for you.’

My heart was racing as I walked the steps to the house, memories of my last time here flashing before my eyes, I tried to ignore all the loud chatter and the crowd of people around me. It was only adding to my nerves, who were already on edge but then I turned the corner and saw him, and it all seemed to fade. 

He was taller than everyone else in the room, as usual, his long legs were covered in a tight blue pants, his chest in a perfectly tailored white shirt. He seemed to have a bit more muscle than I remembered and his hair was just a tad darker and less curly.

 But then he turned around and there it was, the exact same genuine smile and gorgeous blue eyes that I had seen only in my mind during the past years. But all that time seemed to disappear now.   
His smile faded for a moment when he saw me and his mouth dropped, I could see him taking in every part of me and then the smile slowly returned and he walked up to me.

‘Tom…’  
Before I could speak he wrapped his arms around me and took my words from me in one of his heartfelt hugs.

I hadn’t meant to cling to him as if my life depended on it, but as soon as he pulled me close I did and he tightened the hug with the same intensity. Holding me against his body as if nothing else in that room mattered, just the two of us.

 ‘Em,’ I could hear him whisper against my ear and then he let out a heavy sigh and broke the hug to look at me.

‘Look at you,’ he was shaking his head.   
‘No, look at YOU,’ I objected and I let my fingers run over the collar of his shirt,’ you look like you walked straight out of a magazine for god’s sake!’   
He laughed and shook his head, his hands still resting on my shoulders.

‘Oh shut up, it’s just clothes and a haircut.’   
‘Well, you clean up very nicely.’  
 ‘And you look as beautiful as always,’ he said softly, making me shiver for a moment when his hands ran from my shoulders down over my arms. He laced his fingers with mine and held my hands in his for a few seconds before letting me go.

He looked absolutely gorgeous and while I stood there getting lost into his eyes I realized just how much I had missed him. Just being near him, his presence, his scent, the way he was smiling back at me with such genuine affection in his eyes, as if no one else in the room even mattered anymore.

How had I been able to stay away from that for the past years? How had I gotten through all that time without him?   
I wanted nothing more than for all the people around us to disappear so I could just keep hugging him but I knew our moment was over.

‘I am so happy you’re here,’ he then said and his smile widened,’ god, Em, I can’t wait for you to meet her!’

 Right…’her’.

How could such a small insignificant word inflict so much pain?

I put on my brave face and let him guide me to the living room, another shiver running up my arms as I felt his hand protectively resting on the small of my back while we walked.    
My eyes were scanning the whole place, looking for the luckiest woman on the planet.

Could it be her? The tall beautiful blonde with the white dress and the perfect smile. Please, no…

A sigh of relief left my lips when we walked right past her.

Maybe that one then, the more curvy brunette with the sexy dress and the perfect tan and dreamy eyes. She could be his type.   
But Tom didn’t even seem to notice her when we passed, he was clearly only looking for one women and all the rest seemed completely insignificant and even invisible to him.

‘Emmy,’ he took my arm and pushed me past a small group of people until I was standing right in front of her,’ this is Catherine.’ 

I stared right into the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen, her skin was pale like mine but a lot smoother, forming a perfect contrast to her long wavy black hair, her lips a perfectly soft pink that lit up her entire face.

 ‘Cath, this is Emmy,’ Tom continued, seemingly unaware of my staring. And she was staring right back at me, no expression on her face for a few seconds as she took me in.  
 But then she smiled, it was such a warm smile, sweet and a little nervous even.

  God, every inch of her was perfect.

‘Hello, Emmy,’ she then spoke,’ it is so great to finally meet you, Tom talks about you so often. I’m thrilled to finally put a face to the name.’

Yep, flawless.

Her voice was soft and kind as she leaned in to shake my hand and carefully put hers over it in a friendly gesture.  
I noticed the few small freckles around her nose and for the first time I also noticed her dress. It was a beautiful dark green that matched her eyes but it was also a lot more basic and less revealing than what some other guests were wearing, she didn’t use jewelry or lots of make up to stand out and yet she was more gorgeous than every other woman in the room.  

She seemed completely at ease with herself catching everyone’s attention without even trying. Even more so with Tom by her side, looking at her as if she was his reason to breathe.

Yes, I decided right then and there that I was going to hate her guts, what other choice did I have? She had everything I wanted.

My heart sank as Tom’s hand was now no longer on my back but on hers, and he nuzzled his face against hers to put a soft slow kiss on her cheek, letting his lips linger there a little bit longer until she smiled shyly.  

A dagger to the heart would have hurt less.

***

(2012)

 

‘I can’t do this now, Tom,’ I sobbed and covered my face with my hands as I turned around but he was right in front of me in a second, grabbing my hands to force me to look at him,’ you’ll be gone in a week, I’ll be gone in a week, we’d never be able to make it work!’

‘That’s a poor excuse and you know it.’

I stayed quiet.   
‘What do you want from me?’ I then asked.

‘I just want you to be honest,’ his face was so close to mine he was making it hard to breathe, or think,’ for once, Em, just tell me the truth. Do you love me?’

I fought back my tears and looked at him, grabbing his shirt with both hands as I shook my head.  
 ‘There’s no need to be scared,’ he whispered soothingly. 

‘Don’t you see? There’s every reason to be scared.’

He grabbed my neck with his hand and leaned his forehead against mine.  
‘You’re my best friend in the whole world, Em,’ he spoke softly.

‘And you are mine,’ I spoke, my voice coated in tears,’ and I’m so scared of losing that, Tom, of losing you. I can’t handle anything more right now, if I…let you in like that and I lost you I’d never recover from that.’  
He kissed my forehead and then slowly nodded his head as he let my words sink in.

‘So you won’t even try then?’ he asked, his face covered in disappointment.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t,’ I sobbed,’ please, please don’t hate me.’

‘It’s alright,’ he sighed and he stayed quiet for a few moments before he spoke again,’ our timing has never been right, hasn’t it?’   
I shook my head in a little smile as I wiped my tears.

‘No,’ I admitted.

‘I should have taken that as a sign, maybe despite everything we’re just not meant to be after all.’

He stepped away from me and I could see him nodding his head, gathering his thoughts before he spoke again,’ you’re right, if it ended badly…better to save ourselves the heartache.’

‘That’s not what I was going to say, I just…’

‘No, Em, it’s fine,’ he insisted,’ thank you for being honest with me, and don’t worry, I won’t ask you again.’

I couldn’t help but feel my heart break at the bitterness in his words, he wasn’t even looking at me anymore.

‘Tom, please…I…’

‘You’ve made your point, there’s no need to dwell on it, let’s just…both start our new lives and forget about this.’ 

I watched him take his coat and head for the door, for a moment I thought he was just going to leave without looking back but then he turned around, giving me the saddest look I had ever seen on his face. 

  ‘There’s nothing you could ever do to make me hate you, Em,’ he whispered.

 

***

(Today)

 

I let myself sink down on an empty bench in the back of Tom’s garden later that night, when the sun was starting to go down and most of the guests had returned home. I had fled the busy living room as soon as I saw the chance.  

Not only was I in desperate need for some fresh air but my face hurt from all the fake smiling the last couple of hours. Pretending to be cheerful when all you really wanted was to crawl into a corner and cry proved to be quite exhausting.

‘I’m glad you’re still here.’  

His voice made me turn around instantly and I looked up to find him smiling at me.   
‘I was hoping to catch you without all the distractions,’ he then said.  
‘Me too,’ I confessed.

‘I’m sorry,’ he sat down next to me,’ I didn’t mean to sprung her on you like that.’  
 ‘It’s okay, Tom. She seems really nice, I’m happy for you.’

He just looked at me without saying a word, studied my face and then shook his head.  
‘What?’ I asked.   
‘You were always such a bad liar.’   
‘What do you want me to say?’ I shook my head in an embarrassed smile and looked away, he was silent again.

  ‘I AM happy for you, you know that, right?’ I then said more seriously,’ you deserve happiness more than anyone, Tom. And I do mean it, she does seem really nice. She must be if you’ve picked her, right?’

‘Right,’ he said softly,’ she was so nervous about meeting you today.’  
 ‘Me?’ I asked surprised.  
 ‘Of course,’ he said,’ you’re one of the most important women in my life, Em. Well, … you were.’ 

We looked at each other.   
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,’ he then said.  

‘It’s okay,’ I sighed,’ it’s true, I haven’t really been in your life much the past years. I didn’t mean for that to happen but…’

 ‘You don’t need to explain,’ he interrupted me,’ we both just…carried on with our lives, Em, it was the best thing to do after last time.’

 ‘But I’ve missed you,’ I turned to look at him and was met with a serious look on his face,’ I have missed you so much.’

He grabbed my hand and lifted it up to his lips to put a soft kiss on it, making my heart swell.

 ‘I’ve missed you too, my darling,’ he whispered.

We both sat in silence for a while after that, he didn’t let go of my hand and I leaned my head against his shoulder, happy to finally have him this close to me again, happy that it was just the two of us, just me and him.

The way it was supposed to be…  
 


	2. Chapter 2

‘Wake up, sleepy head!’ 

Haley’s sharp voice sounded way too close for comfort and was too loud for me to ignore. 

‘Come on, it’s almost noon,’ she insisted as she poked me in the ribs.  
  ‘Go away,’ I sighed as I fought to open my eyes,’ have some mercy, woman, I’m still jet lagged.’

‘You didn’t come to London to sleep the days away, come on, up you get,’ I could hear her leave my room but not before pulling the blinds open completely to let the sunlight in.   
 The sudden brightness made it impossible for me to go back to sleep, and it was the only thing I wanted this morning. 

Sleep was peaceful, sleep was comforting, sleep was the only state in which I didn’t miss him so much. 

I finally dragged myself out of bed after fifteen minutes to meet Haley in the kitchen.   
‘So, what are we doing today?’ I asked.

 ‘I don’t know what you’re doing, but I have to be at work in twenty minutes, we don’t all have extra vacation days lying around.’

‘Right,’ I shook my head in a smile and took a seat next to her on the kitchen table.   
‘Are you going to see Tom today?’ she then asked.

‘Probably,’ I answered truthfully,’ why?’

‘Don’t be the clingy ex girlfriend, Em’ she sighed.  
‘I was never his girlfriend.’  
 ‘You know what I mean, you guys may not have been anything officially but we all know you were something.’   
‘Yes well, something doesn’t count,’ I said,’ and he just invited me for coffee if you must know.’

‘Em, sweetie,’ she leaned her elbows on the table to look into my eyes,’ I don’t wanna come across as bossy…’  
‘Since when?!’ I interrupted her with a smile.  
  ‘Shut up, I just want to protect you against yourself. I know how you get when it comes to him.’  
I smiled shyly and looked down.  

‘Yes well, it’s Tom,’ I then spoke softly and I could see her eyes soften when I looked at her again,’ it’s Tom, Haley. My Tom.’

‘I know,’ she sighed,’ but he’s not…’

‘Yes,’ I answered quietly while I avoided her eyes,’ I know, alright. He’s not mine.’

‘Just wanted to make sure you are aware of that,’ she then said while she stood up and put her cup and plate in the sink,’ I’ll see you for dinner tonight.’

*** 

I had agreed to meet Tom after lunch time in a small coffee shop near his place. The time we had spent together the night before had overwhelmed me, my feelings for him had overwhelmed me, once again.   
And in my heart I knew he had felt the same, it was right there in the way his hand had held onto mine the entire time we were alone, and how soft and loving he had spoken those words…my darling.

We may never have been lovers but we had always been more than just something.

I was nervous when I entered the coffee shop but mostly I was looking forward to seeing his lovely face again. But it was another face that greeted me by the door.

‘Catherine?’   
 ‘Hi,’ she had a nervous little smile on her gorgeous face,’ I’m sorry, Tom couldn’t make it, he wanted to cancel on you but I suggested you and I should have coffee together, if that’s okay?’

‘Well…I…sure,’ I tried my best to hide my disappointment,’ I guess so.’ 

I followed her to the counter where we ordered our drinks before we made our way to a small table somewhere in the back.   
It gave me the opportunity to study her without her noticing. 

She was still stunning in just the casual pair of jeans and the flattering white blouse she was wearing today, her long dark hair danced across her shoulders as she flashed the barista a disarming smile, the same one she gave me as soon as we sat down. 

‘I’m sorry, he had a last minute call for a meeting,’ she explained,’ it happens often, he’ll call you to reschedule, but I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to get to know each other.’

I forced myself to keep a straight face, she was trying really hard to be nice but I couldn’t tell yet whether it was heartfelt or not. I tried to remind myself that she hadn’t given me any reason to think the opposite and I tried to give her a more genuine smile.  

‘Tom talks about you so much I feel like I already know you a little bit,’ she continued. 

‘Well, maybe we should start with you then,’ I took over,’ because I don’t know anything about you at all, how did you two meet?’

I could see her face light up at my question, ‘ oh it’s all thanks to Emma, she introduced us.’

Oh Emma, I thought you were on my side.

‘Me and Emma worked together on a project 3 years ago and we’ve been friends ever since,’ she explained,’ when she introduced me to Tom we just had this instant click, you know, nothing more than friends at first. But the more I got to know him the more I came to see what an amazing and wonderful man he is. I never met anyone like him, he’s so kind and caring, so open but also so smart and insightful and…well, I don’t need to tell you, do I?’

No, you really don’t. 

I shook my head.

‘I couldn’t believe my luck when he told me he felt the same way,’ she continued with this dreamy twinkle in her eyes.

Why did I ask this question? I did not want to hear this, I couldn’t handle this yet.   
I needed to change the subject, the dagger was already in my heart but I had to stop her from twisting it around and making me bleed more with her every word.

‘I’m a very lucky woman,’ she said in a happy sigh.

‘That you are,’ I answered quietly, hoping she wouldn’t see me biting back my jealousy while I just nodded and kept smiling.

‘I am, but…,’ I watched the smile on her face fade slowly while she spoke,’ I know he still loves you, Emmy.’

My breath was stuck in my throat for a minute.  
 ‘Catherine,’ I then sighed,’ me and Tom were never really…’

‘I know, nothing ever happened between the two of you.’

Well, I wouldn’t exactly say that…

‘You were never really together,’ she continued,’ which makes you every girlfriend’s worst nightmare…you’re the one that got away.’  
I just shook my head in a little uncomfortable smile.

‘And his best friend on top of that,’ she added and she shook her head in a defeated sigh,’ how does anyone even compete with that?’

‘That’s all in the past, he loves you now.’

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down my racing heart, the worry on her face was genuine and, despite my jealousy, in this moment I was actually starting to feel for her. 

‘You don’t have anything to worry about, Catherine,’ I leaned against the table to look into her eyes, the expression on her face was one of sadness and even fear. She actually feared me.

‘Me and Tom never happened and I believe there has to be a reason for that,’ I said,’ if it was meant to be between me and him it would have happened at some point, god knows we’ve had enough opportunities.’ 

She gave me a weak smile.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said as I shook my head,’ please don’t worry about that, me and Tom…there’s nothing there, really. It’s nothing.’

Absolutely nothing.

***

2004

We stumbled into his apartment at around 3′o clock in the middle of the night, it had been a crazy night out in London. It was the midst of a very hot month of July and the city had been bursting with life and people.  
We had been out every single night that week and this was my last day in town before I would leave on a family holiday to Spain.

He had his hands lazily resting on my waist the entire time we made our way up the stairs, pushing me up in front of him step by step. We were both giggling, partly due to the alcohol but even more so thanks to the adrenaline of an entire night spent laughing on the dance floor and getting lost in the hidden corners of downtown London. 

‘Shhhh,’ he laughed into my ear,’ you’ll wake up the neighbours.’ 

‘You’re not exactly being quiet yourself, Thomas,’ I poked him in the chest as we neared the top of the stairs but he just laughed louder and took out his key to unlock the door.

The apartment was ugly and cramped but he loved every corner regardless, I had never seen him more proud and happy in the 2 years that we’ve known each other now. This little crappy place was completely his and in the middle of London, what more could anyone possibly want? He wouldn’t have traded it for anything and he was happy to share it with me every time I was in this corner of the city.

‘Sit,’ he urged me towards his couch while he took two beers out of his fridge, grabbed his camera from the desk in passing and threw it into my hands before he sat down next to me.

‘Didn’t you want to take a picture of me?’ he then asked, ‘something to remember me by while you’re bored out of your mind in Spain?’  
‘Yes, I want one of us,’ I smiled enthusiastically.

He crawled closer to me and I held up the camera as far as I could.  
 ‘Give it to me,’ he smiled,’ your arms are so freakishly short.’

‘Compared to yours maybe,’ I playfully pushed my shoulder up against his chest and rolled my eyes at him.

He took the camera from me and put it up in front of us.  
‘Wait, is my make up okay?’ I asked as I try to brush my hair out of my eyes with my fingers.

‘You’re fine,’ he said.  
‘You didn’t even look!’

‘Alright,’ he sighed and he turned his face towards mine, I hadn’t noticed how close we were sitting and suddenly his eyes were staring right into mine and the smile faded from my face. I felt myself starting to blush under his gaze.   
He wasn’t looking at me, he was staring and it suddenly gave me butterflies.

This could not be happening, this was Tom!   
Tom was my friend, the goofy guy I had more fun with than anyone else, the sweet guy that was always there when I needed comfort or cheering up. We had flirted before but it was always just playful and I was always quick to laugh it off. I had seen him do it with other girls regularly, it was just in his nature and I knew it didn’t have anything to do with me.

But this time it didn’t feel playful, and the serious look in his eyes as he stared at me was starting to stir up feelings I never even realized were there.

‘You’re beautiful, Em,’ he then spoke softly,’ with or without make up on.’

I bit my lip and shook my head, unsure how to react to his compliment.

‘No need to blush now,’ he teased me and he put his arm around my shoulder to pull me closer.  
‘Stop it,’ I whispered in a smile as I let my head hang down shyly. I could feel him laugh against my skin as he nuzzled his nose against my cheek and clicked the camera.

‘Perfect,’ he then said softly, his arm turned me towards him, forcing me to look into his eyes again as his hand sank down to the small of my back, making me shiver.   

Since when did it feel so good to have his hands on me?

  When our eyes met again his smile had made room for that serious look from before.

‘What is it?’ I asked.  
‘I wish you didn’t have to leave tomorrow,’ he spoke softly.

‘I know,’ I sighed,’ I don’t really feel like going either, I’d rather just stay here in London and hang out…with you.’

This time he was the one who looked down in a shy smile,’ I meant it, you know.’

He brushed a few stray locks of hair behind my ear, caressing my cheek with his thumb in the process while his eyes found mine again,’ I’m not joking around this time, you are so beautiful, Em.’

He leaned his forehead against mine and I put my arm around his neck to hold him close to me, suddenly overwhelmed by my feelings for him. I didn’t want to leave, not London, not his apartment, and definitely not his arms.

‘Tom, we should…,’ I whispered.  
‘I am so crazy about you,’ he confessed in a smile.  
I let my fingers run through his curls while I looked at him. 

‘Maybe you should do something about it then,’ I challenged him. 

He grabbed my neck and brought my face closer to his, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. His breath warmed my lips as he leaned his forehead against mine, putting goosebumps all over me when his lips hovered over mine, working up the courage to do what I knew he wanted to do.   
And the longer he waited the more I needed his lips on mine.

 Without saying another word his mouth opened to take mine in a soft warm kiss, making my heart and every other part of my body melt into his arms.    
His hands were all over my back, neck and in my hair trying to hold me as close to him as he possibly could. I opened my mouth to kiss him back and gasped when his tongue searched for mine, deepening our kiss and making me fall even more.  
I moaned into the kiss and felt his hand slip underneath my top to caress the bare skin of my back but he pulled out and focussed on kissing me again. 

‘Don’t stop,’ I encouraged him,’ please.’  
‘Em,’ he moaned as I bit his bottom lip,’ wait.’  
‘It’s okay, I want this, I want you, Tom.’

He broke the kiss and leaned his face against mine, he was breathing heavily and I could see the blush on his cheeks.

‘If I don’t stop now,’ he then spoke quietly,’ I won’t be able to stop at all. I want to take you to my bedroom so badly right now.’  
We looked at each other for a few seconds until I nodded my head and whispered,’ then take me to your bedroom.’

To my surprise he pulled away and shook his head.

‘No, Em, not like this, not with you,’ he said and just like that his hands were no longer on me.   
‘I am leaving tomorrow,’ I said,’ you won’t see me again for over a month. Right now, like this, is fine with me!’

‘Please don’t say that,’ he sighed and I could see him pull at his curls the way he always did when he was nervous,’ I’m going to kick myself for this later but…you mean too much to me to just get it over with.’  
I stayed quiet, trying to calm down the heat he had stirred up inside me with his heavenly kisses and wandering hands. 

‘Not like this,’ he insisted,’ I just wanted to kiss you, I didn’t meant to…’  
‘Well, you should’t have kissed me then!’ I said, feeling the sting of pain at his rejection.

‘Please don’t take it that way,’ his hand reached for mine but I pulled away and stood up from the couch,’ you know how much I want you, Em, god fucking look at me!’

My eyes roamed over him, from the conflicted look on his face to the huge bulge in his pants and I couldn’t help but feel my anger slip away.

‘I have waited for you for so long, one months more means nothing,’ he then said, taking my hand again and pulling me against his chest, a smile on both our faces now.

‘We can kiss some more though,’ he then added and he leaned closer and put his lips on mine, his arms wrapping me up in a tight hug.

‘It’s going to be a long month,’ I whispered into his ear when we broke the kiss.

‘I’ll wait for you,’ he smiled.

***

He didn’t, but then again neither did I.  

That summer took us both into a direction we didn’t expect or saw coming, I met a charming Spanish guy during my first week on the beach, whose name I can’t even remember now, and while his kisses were nothing like Tom’s he did manage to keep my mind of him and helped me enjoy every minute of my summer vacation.  
 And somewhere in my month away Tom got offered a summer job abroad so by the time I got back to London he was gone for another month. 

That one magical night in his apartment where we kissed seemed to have disappeared into a summer filled with other plans, other people and other memories. By the time September came around it was as if it never happened and neither of us had the courage to ever bring it up again.

Timing, it was always our biggest problem. I knew my timing right now was worse then it had ever been before but I was not going to let it stop me this time.

This was my last chance and I was not going to let it slip from me, not again.

***

Today

 

 ‘She’s fucking perfect, Hales,’ I sighed.

Haley was sitting in front of me in the small Asian restaurant around the corner from her apartment.  
‘Had you expected anything less?’ she asked as she graciously rolled her noodles onto her chopsticks,’ it’s Tom, of course she’s perfect in every way.’  
I let out a deep annoyed sigh at her stating the obvious. 

‘I was just hoping…,’ I sighed as I fought to catch some rice between my chopsticks,’ I was hoping…’

‘You were hoping she was a complete bitch,’ she finished my sentence while she put up one hand to stop the waiter,’ yes, hi, can my friend please have a fork?’   
I have her an angry look as I put down my chopsticks in a heavy sigh. 

‘I don’t like to see you struggle,’ she answered with a teasing smile,’ the struggle in your head at the moment is bad enough to witness.’   
‘Thank you,’ I sighed and couldn’t help but smile at her,’ well she’s obviously not a bitch, so what am I going to do, Hales?’

‘What do you mean?’ 

‘How do I break them up?’ I asked and I took a sip from my wine.

‘You don’t,’ she said firmly,’ you’re going to be his friend, like you’ve always been, and if he is happy you’re going to be happy for him.’

 ‘I am?’ I asked in a sigh.   
‘Yes, you are!’

‘What is he’s not happy?’

‘You’re just projecting your own wishes onto him now,’ she shook her head and put down her chopsticks to look at me before she let out a heavy sigh,’ look, Emmy, I know this is painful and I feel your pain, love, I really do. We all thought he would end up with you, and I know he did too but…something changed after last time. He used to talk about you all the time and then suddenly he didn’t anymore, like he knew it was really over this time.’ 

‘He gave up on me,’ I said defeated,’ after years of trying he finally gave up on me.’

‘I had never seen him that down before in all the years that I’ve known him. Whatever happened between you two really hurt him, Em.’

 ‘I am aware of that,’ I was biting back my tears. 

‘Why did you leave?’ she then asked.  
‘Because I was scared shitless,’ I confessed,’ I was so in love with him I couldn’t breathe, Hales, the idea of a future with him…it was just too much for me then. I didn’t feel good enough, and I didn’t believe I could ever fit into his world.’

‘Oh honey, you were his world.’

‘Yeah well…not anymore,’ I whispered. 

‘You can’t blame him for finally moving on, honey,’ she said.

‘I don’t,’ I shook my head,’ I just…’

She noticed how my lip was shaking and she grabbed my hand across the table.  
‘I just need another chance,’ I then sighed.

I know that wasn’t fair, not to Tom or to Catherine, I’ve had my chances, many of them and I blew them all.  

But things were different now, I was ready now and I was not going to let something like a new girlfriend stop me. 

 He had been mine long before he was hers, I just needed to make him see it.


	3. Chapter 3

I waited for him at a table for two outside of Covent Garden, it was a gorgeous day out and the place was packed with tourists and Londoners having their lunch. I was nervous, not only because part of me feared I would be seeing Catherine again and not Tom, but the other part was even more nervous about him actually showing up this time.

‘What’s a gorgeous woman like you doing out here eating all by herself? Do you mind if I join you, darling?’

 His voice in my ear made me jump from my seat and he immediately put his hand on my arm to calm me.

‘I’m sorry, that was creepy, wasn’t it?’ he flashed me one of his dashing smiles and then lowered his eyes and shook his head as if he was actually embarrassed.  

‘Just a tad,’ I smiled,‘ So first you send you girlfriend on me and now you creep up on me? What’s up with that?’

He laughed while we both sat down, he looked flawless in his light blue shirt with his sleeves rolled up.   
His hair was a little messy and shorter than I was used to but I could still see some errand curls fighting to come out.  

‘I’m so sorry about last time,’ he said, giving me a sincere look,’ the meeting was very last minute, but Cath told me you two had a good talk?’

‘Yes, we did,’ I answered,’ she’s really nice.’  
I looked him straight in the eyes to prove I wasn’t faking it this time and he smiled back at me.

‘That’s good to hear.’

We ordered our lunch and enjoyed our wine and the chatter around us for a few minutes, I had forgotten how my nerves disappeared each time I was actually with him, and how even our silences had always been comfortable.

 ‘So, tell me what’s been happening in your life,’ he then said,’ how is Boston treating you?’

‘Pretty well actually,’ I answered,’ it took some getting used to during our first months there, but it’s starting to feel like home now.’

After my parent’s divorce my mother got offered a job in Boston, nobody believed she would actually take it but apparently the other side of the world from where my father lived seemed like her best option so she jumped at the chance. And asked me to go with her.  
 I would have never dreamed of leaving London had she asked me the year before, but her timing was impeccable. London had something, or rather someone, I wanted to get far away from too at that time so I followed her and never looked back.

‘I have a job as a secretary in a small law firm,’ I continued,’ it’s nothing too impressive but I like it.’ 

‘That’s great, Em,’ he nodded his head,’ I’m glad things worked out for you and your mum. She deserves all the good things coming to her, you both do.’  
I gave him a thankful smile. 

‘How about you?’ I asked.   
‘Well,’ I could see a little hesitation on his face before he continued,’ I work for my father’s firm now.’

‘You caved?’ I asked surprised.

‘Yes, I caved,’ he confessed.

‘Wow, I thought that was the last thing you wanted? What about the acting dream?’

‘It’s exactly what you said, a dream,’ he said with a sigh,’ there comes a point in your life where you have to stop chasing silly dreams and start living your actual life, you know, grow up. Dreams are sometimes just that, they’re not always meant to come true.’

His voice had taken a serious tone and I couldn’t help but wonder if I was one of those silly dreams he had just stopped chasing over the years.

‘Do you hate it?’ I asked, putting the smile back on his face.  
‘No, I don’t hate it,’ he then said,’ I don’t love it, but…it’s a good job. I could do a lot worse.’

 ‘You could also do better.’ 

‘Stop it, alright,’ he shook his head,’ I had one successful play on the West End and two small tv guest roles and that was it. It wasn’t enough to pay the bills, it never would be, I had no choice but to give it up.’

‘I always believed it would happen for you, you know,’ I then confessed,’ that one day some big shot producer would take one look at that gorgeous face of yours and see that you had more passion than anyone else he’d ever seen on stage.’  
  The smile he gave me was almost too adorable for a grown man but he was still shaking his head.

‘I’m really sorry it didn’t happen, Tom,’ I then said softer.

‘Thank you,’ he reached for my hand across the table and took it in his while he looked me in the eyes,’ but I’m good, Em, honestly. People change, dreams change, I’m happy where I am now.’  
I tightened my grip on his hand as I nodded my head.

  ‘Are you, darling?’ he then asked softly while his piercing blue eyes stared deeper into mine,’ are you happy?’ 

‘I’m…’

It suddenly seemed hard to form the rest of my words, there was nothing coming out of my mouth, instead my eyes were filling up with tears I did not want him to see.  

God, why was it always so hard to lie to him?

I was rescued by the waiter who chose this perfect moment to bring us our lunch, we both thanked him and started eating in silence, giving me the chance to compose myself.

 ‘God, I missed fish and chips so much,’ I said after I had taken a few bites. 

He just looked at me in a big grin, the hair may be different and his face was a lot sharper than it was back then but the goofy little boy with the angelic curls was still right there in that expression and I couldn’t help but smile. 

‘Is that what you missed most about London?’ he then asked.  
‘You are what I miss most about London,’ my answer had rolled off my tongue without thinking and I avoided looking at him for a while as I continued eating.

‘I wanted to call you so many times,’ he then said, putting his fork down as he leaned back in his chair,’ I swear one time I was in a cab on my way to the airport to come get you…’

 ‘But you didn’t.’

‘I didn’t think you wanted me to,’ he said,’ you made that very clear I recall.’   
‘Yeah, I did,’ I sighed.

 ‘Anyway, Emma talked some sense into me and told me to let it go if I ever wanted any chance at being friends with you again,’ he then confessed,’ so I did.’

‘Well, thank god for Emma,’ I said with a weak sarcastic smile.

‘So, is there anyone…special in your life?’ he then asked carefully.  
‘It’s just me and mum,’ I answered truthfully.

We continued our lunch in silence, his eyes found mine every now and then and I could see the soft little smile forming on his lips every time they did.

 ‘So,’ he sighed when we were both finished eating,’ do you have anywhere you need to be right now?’

‘Not really. Haley’s at work so…’  
‘Will you spend the afternoon roaming the streets of London with me?’ he then asked softly as he reached for my hand again. 

‘There is nothing I want more right now,’ I smiled and I put my hand over his, feeling my heart jump at his touch.

***

 2003

 

I knew I couldn’t keep ignoring him, he had been calling my name from the living room for about 5 minutes straight now but I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to see anyone right now.   
All I wanted was to crawl back into my bed and forget this day ever happened.  
   
Maybe if I just ignored him he would think I wasn’t home and just give up. I wiped away my tears as I pulled up my legs in front of me on my bed and let out a deep sigh, trying to stop the endless stream of tears.

‘Emmy?’ 

He was shouting louder now and his voice was closer, I knew he was right down the stairs.

 God please don’t come up here…

 But it was already too late, I could hear his footsteps squeaking up the stairs. I quickly tried to dry my tears but I knew it was no use, I had been crying non stop for almost an hour, my eyes were red and puffy, he would take one look at me and see.

‘Em? Oh there you are, why didn’t you answer?’ he walked into my bedroom and sat down on the bed in front of me when his eyes met mine and the smile faded from his face,’ what’s wrong?’ 

The look of shock and genuine worry on his face was enough to trigger me and I covered my face with my hand as I burst out in more tears. He was right next to me in seconds putting his hands on my shoulders gently to make me face him.

‘What happened?’   
‘It’s not important,’ I tried to brush him off. 

‘Not important?’ he asked with a look of disbelief on his face,’ anything that makes you cry like that is important enough, come on, spill.’   
I looked at him through my tears but shook my head. 

He may have found his way to my room but there was still no way I wanted to talk to him about this.  
‘No, really, it’s fine, Tom,’ I insisted,’ honestly, talking isn’t going to solve anything anyway so just leave it.’

‘Talking may not solve anything but it might make you stop crying, if just for a little while,’ his hands were rubbing my shoulders softly,’ look at me, Em, I’m your friend, right?’   
I nodded my head and bit my lip when it started to shake again.

‘Whatever it is, you can tell me.’  
‘I just didn’t want you to see me like this, okay,’ I sighed,’ I don’t like myself when I get like that and I…don’t want you to think less of me.’

‘Why would I think less of you?’ he shook his head in disbelief and pulled me closer to him, his face inches from mine as he looked into my eyes,’ listen here, there is nothing you could say or do to ever make me think less of you.’   
I nodded my head in tears.

‘Now please tell me what happened,’ he insisted.

‘Do you remember I told you about Noah?’  
‘The tall American guy from university you have a crush on?’ he rolled his eyes but nodded his head.

‘Yeah, well he’s dating Sarah now.’  
‘Your friend Sarah?’ he asked.

‘Yes, my friend Sarah,’ I let out a deep sigh and let my head hang down to avoid his eyes,’ apparently they’ve been dating for over a month, I wouldn’t even know if I hadn’t caught them coming out of the library this morning, his arm around her shoulder and her face buried against his neck.’

Just the image was enough to bring the tears back to my eyes.

‘And I have absolutely no right to feel this way,’ I ranted,’ I never even told her I like him and he barely knows me, but…I just want to stab her eyes out, or his…actually both of them. I just want to break them up or hurt them. And I can’t even look at her right now, let alone pretend to be her friend.’

I shook my head and covered my eyes.  
‘I am the worst friend ever,’ I continued,’ and a horrible, horrible person.’

‘Em,’ he let out a deep sigh and let his hand sink down to my waist,’ you are not horrible at all, and you have every right to hate them. They hurt you.’

‘But they didn’t mean to,’ I shook my head,’ they just fell in love.’

‘And so did you,’ he continued,’ you can’t help the way you feel, darling. You’d never actually hurt them, right. I mean…right?’

He lifted his eye brow and I gave him a little smile through my tears.  
‘No of course not,’ I sighed.  
‘Then feelings are just feelings, it doesn’t make you horrible, it makes you human.’

‘Well,’ I shrugged my shoulders,’ being human sucks.’ 

‘It’s just love, and being in love and not having it returned to you sucks, believe me I know,’ he said in a little smile,’ love makes us stupid, and irrational and a little insane sometimes, but it’s also what makes life worth living, no?’  
I nodded my head and looked into his eyes.

  ‘Being capable of loving someone like that, even if they’ll never feel the same way, is never something to be ashamed of, Em,’ he spoke softly,’ it just shows you have a big, beautiful heart and there’s nothing wrong with that, love.’ 

I gave him a little smile and noticed my tears had stopped falling.  
He put his arms around my waist and pulled me against his chest to hug me,’ I would never think less of you, never in a million years.’  
I put my arms around his neck to hug him back and let out a relieved sigh. 

‘Better now?’ he asked softly.  
‘Lots,’ I whispered.

‘You should never be embarrassed about what you’re feeling, Em,’ he then spoke softly against my ear,’ no matter how ugly you think it is, I’ll always want to hear it and I would never, ever, judge you, alright?’

‘Alright,’ I smiled and hugged him tighter,’ thank you so much for being here, Tom.’

‘I’ll always be here for you,’ he whispered,’ and screw that Noah guy, he doesn’t deserve you anyway.’ 

*** 

Today

 

Haley sat outside on the balcony of the flat when I came home that night, the sun was just starting to go down but it was still warm outside. It was a peaceful, quiet night, everything about this day had felt nothing less than perfect. 

  Well, except for the part where I had to say goodbye to Tom and send him off to Catherine.  
That part was a little less perfect.

The whole afternoon had been so amazing, walking around London with Tom’s arm around me, It almost felt like old times, except it wasn’t.

Catherine’s name kept popping up into our conversations, he didn’t do it on purpose, and he apologized for it several times. But when the heart is full of something…  

By the time I got back to the apartment my own heart was heavy and my mood had been sinking lower with each step home.   
Haley saw it on my face as soon as I sat down and she quickly handed me a glass.   
‘There’s alcohol in this, right?’ I asked.  
She just nodded her head and I took a long sip, hoping the drink was strong enough to numb my senses.

‘So how did it go?’

‘It was amazing,’ I sighed,’ every little bit of it, Hales, but mostly just being with him. I didn’t even realize how much I missed just hanging out with him, listening to him talk, watch that smile on his face while he guides me through all of his favorite little corners of the city. God, I never wanted this day to end. I haven’t felt this happy in a long while until…’   
I leaned back against the wall and let out a deep sigh.

‘Until?’

‘Until I realized that this is not my life,’ I said in a heavy sigh,’ it won’t be me that he strolls through London with, he’s not going to take me out to lunch or to these cute little coffee shops and book stores, and then drive up to his home at night to have mad passionate sex.’  
I could hear the crack in my own voice and felt the tears sting in my eyes.

‘It will be her,’ I then added, trying to keep it together as I took another long sip from whatever drink Haley gave me.

‘And he is completely smitten, Hales,’ I then continued as I got up from the bench and started pacing around the small balcony,’ she is all he thinks about. There was not even a moment there where he looked at me for just that little bit too long or touched me just that little bit inappropriately, there was nothing in his eyes when he looked at me, nothing!’

I was somewhere between screaming and crying at this point,’ it’s over, it’s all over, Haley. He doesn’t want me.’ 

She was out of her seat and with me in seconds and she put her hands on my shoulders to calm me down,’ it will be alright, Em.’

‘No it won’t be! I love him so much and he just doesn’t care,’ the tears were streaming down my face and I didn’t stop them this time,’ he doesn’t even care, Haley.’

She put her arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug.  
‘Let it out,’ she said softly as I returned the hug and let my tears fall freely.

‘I thought that…if he just…spent some time with me, he would…see,’ I whispered in between sobs,’ and he would…love me again.’

‘Hey, look at me,’ she said as she released me from the hug and looked into my eyes,’ he is always going to love you, Emmy, you are his best friend, no girlfriend is going to change that or the history you two have together.’ 

‘But I don’t want to be part of his history anymore,’ I said as I wiped my tears,’ history means nothing if there is no future.’  
She stayed quiet and put her hands on my shoulders again to look into my eyes.

‘And don’t tell me that I will always have him as a friend, I don’t want to be his friend anymore,’ I then added and I put the glass down in a sigh and stepped away from her,’ I’m going to bed. Please don’t wake me.’

***

I woke up around 2 o’clock the next afternoon.   
As soon as sleep left me images of the previous day started to come back to me like a flashback of a bad memory. I immediately wanted to close my eyes and go back to sleep.

Sleep, deny, forget.

But I knew sleep wouldn’t come again so I dragged myself out of bed and took my phone with me as I made my way to the bath room.   
The sight in the mirror wasn’t pretty, my make up was spread all around my eyes and cheeks from all the crying I did the night before, I looked more miserable than ever and I let out a deep annoyed sigh.

‘Asshole,’ I muttered between my teeth and I clicked my phone to find a message from Haley.

‘Party at Tom’s house tonight, I don’t want to hear any whining, we are going and you are going to suck it up. Now go out and buy yourself a dress and be ready by 9. See you tonight, cry baby.’

‘Bitch,’ I said in an angry whisper but I couldn’t help but shake my head in a little smile. 

  I wouldn’t know what I’d do without her.

And she had given me exactly what I needed this morning: a mission.

I took another look at my horrible face in the mirror and stared deep into my own sad eyes. Haley was right, I had to suck it up.

  I was going to get that dress, and it wouldn’t be a classy Catherine dress, oh no. I was going to pick the most sexy, slutty dress I could possibly find and show that blind asshole exactly what he was missing.

I knew that was a desperate move but it’s not like I could sink any lower, right?


	4. Chapter 4

‘Oh my god!’ Haley exalted, covering up her broad smile with her hand as she brought it up to her face and shook her head in admiration.

‘Too much?’ I asked as I gave her a slow turn, the red dress I was wearing didn’t leave much to the imagination. It was short, indecently short. It showed off the curves of my ass perfectly and thanks to the push up bra I managed to completely fill up the deep cut and show off some cleavage while my back and shoulders were still covered, making it a slutty dress but still bordering on the lines of acceptable. At least I hoped it was.

‘So too much or enough to make every man in there want to chat me up?’ I asked.

‘Not just every man! Even I would do you in that dress!’ Haley laughed, making me shake my head in a smile.

‘I do hope you don’t plan on making a move on one particular man though?’ she then asked, a little worry on her face.

‘Oh no,’ I shook my head in a little smile,’ I plan on doing quite the opposite.’

My plan was pretty clear in my head: ignore Tom and be as flirty as I possibly could with every other single man I could get my hands on in a desperate attempt to make Tom feel…well, anything.    
And yes, I was aware that the emphasis was on ‘desperate’ here but desperate times call for desperate measures and I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet. 

This was my absolute last chance with him, I had to try everything in my powers or I would regret it for the rest of my life. There was no time for shame tonight. 

And the plan was working fine during the first hours of the party, I could feel several eyes on me as soon as I walked in, the dress proved worth every pound of the 160 I spent on it.    
Within ten minutes of me standing by the bar in Tom’s living room a friendly and rather handsome guy came up to me to offer me a drink. Followed by two others during the first hour, my flirting seemed to come naturally tonight which was an accomplishment on it’s own for me.   
Usually I was a horrible flirt. Either I liked the guy too much and I was too shy and scared to keep it up or I didn’t like him enough and I couldn’t be bothered to keep it up.  

But to my own surprise I was nailing it tonight, I was charming and engaging without being too pushy or needy, I laughed at their jokes, pretended to listen when they talked and made eye contact as much as I could. 

But apart from some flirty small talk it didn’t seem to be leading anywhere. I would have to do more if I was actually going to get Tom’s attention. Maybe a hook up at this kind of party wouldn’t be as easy as I hoped since too many people actually knew each other.

But then Scot came into the picture, Scot was a gorgeous blond real estate agent in a grey suit who had been to college with Tom and had remained friends afterwards.   
He was the perfect target and it was clear right away he wasn’t going to put up much of a fight. That flirty look in his eyes and the way he kept touching my arm in between conversation were obvious enough but he also kept refilling my drink even before my glass was empty.   
This guy was looking for a one night stand as much as I was, and I would only be too happy to fulfill that role. Well that was the plan, I might just need a little bit more alcohol to actually go through with it.

I took a long sip from my glass while he smiled at me and I felt his hand on my waist again as he pulled me a little bit closer to him.   
I lifted my head to give him one of my sweetest smiles but then I noticed them through the corner of my eye: Tom and Catherine, casually strolling into the room with their arms wrapped around each other, making heads turn everywhere without even trying.

She was wearing a simple black dress that matched his black pants and white shirt and the happy smiles on both their perfect faces could have made flowers grow.   
It was completely unfair for two people to look that good together and I felt my stomach turn. 

All the alcohol in the world wouldn’t be enough…

I rolled my eyes and took another sip from my drink while I leaned into Scott who seemed only too happy with some more physical contact and put his arm around my shoulder. I was finally starting to feel the effect of the alcohol running through my veins and I gave him a weak smile to encourage him. It was now or never.

  Catherine was taking her time to have a friendly chat with everyone she passed, I was relieved to be on the other side of the room far away from them. I was in no mood for unnecessary polite small talk tonight and I wasn’t sure how many more fake smiles I could muster up without wanting to stab myself.  

But then I caught his glance, Tom’s eyes were scanning the room, his gaze passed me quickly but then immediately returned to keep his eyes on me this time. He was giving me such a long and deep stare it was making me weak on my feet.    
Actually, that might have been the alcohol, I couldn’t really tell anymore at this point.

Scot’s arm around my shoulder tightened as he pulled me closer and brought his lips to my ear.   
‘I think this place is getting a little crowded, don’t you think?’ he whispered.  
I just nodded my head as I stared out in front of me, Tom was still looking at me, I couldn’t have timed it better if I tried.

This was my chance, if I wanted to make him jealous I wouldn’t get a better opportunity than right now. I turned my face towards Scot and looked into his eager dark eyes as he gave me a little mischievous smile.  

‘What are you suggesting?’ I asked softly, keeping my eyes on his while I bit my lip and pressed my hips up against his crotch. I was anything but subtle and I could see the blush creeping up on his cheeks but he kept his cool and brought his lips to my ear again.

‘I’m suggesting we go upstairs and find a place where we can be alone,’ he whispered,’ so I can show you exactly how much I’ve wanted to fuck you since you walked in.’  
I swallowed hard at his words and I could see the sudden hesitation on his face.

‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered,’ was that too forward?’

‘Not at all,’ I smiled and I grabbed his hand and pulled him with me, out of the busy living room and up the stairs. I didn’t look behind me to see if Tom was still watching us but I was certain that he was.

Scot didn’t waste any time and pulled me with him into the first room we could find, it appeared to be a small guest room with nothing more than a bed and a large closet. He closed the door behind us, keeping hold of my hand and turning me towards him, a hooded look in his eyes and a little smile on his lips. 

Before I could say something his mouth was on mine in a soft but firm kiss, my arms came to rest around his shoulders and I closed my eyes. 

He wasn’t a bad kisser and I wanted nothing more than to just let myself drift and not think about anything else than this beautiful and obviously horny man in front of me.   
I could feel his erection pressing against my thigh already and his kisses were quickly becoming more heated.   
I was still trying to get my brain to shut down when he pushed me up against the wall. His hands were softly stroking my breasts through my dress.

‘Are you sure about this?’ he asked under heavy breath.

‘I…yes,’ I quickly kissed him again before he had the chance to ask me more questions and put more doubts into my head.

He pushed his hips in between my center, spreading my legs while he smiled into the kiss and started kissing my neck.

I was fighting my last inhibitions, trying to focus on his warm soft lips on my skin and reminding myself that this is what I came here for and I wanted this. 

I grabbed his shirt and pulled him up against me when all of a sudden I felt the fabric of his shirt being pulled from my hands and Scot along with it.   
Tom was in the room with us and he was holding Scot by the arm while he pulled him away from me.  
‘What the hell, man?’ Scot asked annoyed.

I was too shocked to actually move and I just leaned against the wall behind me while I adjusted my dress.

‘I’m sorry,’ Tom said calm but firmly,’ me and her need to talk.’ 

‘Can’t this wait?’ We were in the middle of something, Tom, come on, man!’

‘I’m sure there are lots of girls downstairs willing to come up here with you,’ Tom said,’ find someone else.’  
Scot leaned closer to him and lowered his voice.  
‘I had my eye set on her,’ he said.

‘You can’t have her,’ Tom said cold and he opened the door and kept staring at Scot until he left with a disappointed sigh.

I was left alone in the room with Tom and the sudden silence between us, this time it wasn’t a comfortable one. I walked over to the bed and let myself sink down on the edge while I shook my head, trying to make sense of what just happened and deciding whether I should be grateful or angry.

‘Why did you do that?’ I sighed,’ I was just having some fun.’

‘I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret tomorrow,’ he sat down next to me on the bed and lowered his head,’ I’m just looking out for you.’

‘I don’t need you to look out for me, Scot seems like a decent guy and I’m a grown woman who can make her own choices.’

‘You can’t even walk in a straight line right now, how are you making the right choices?’

‘I didn’t say I made the right ones,’ I shook my head in a sigh,’ and I can walk fine.’   
 I stood up to prove my point but immediately lost my balance and fell back down on my ass on the bed.

‘Yes, clearly,’ he said sarcastically and looked at me with a little smug smile on his face.

‘You know what, fuck you, Tom,’ I tried to stand up again slower this time and managed to stand on my feet,’ this is none of your business, my choices are my own, however bad they are.’

I walked away from him and towards the door, in what I hoped was more or less a straight line this time.

‘I’m jealous, alright.’  
His words made me stop in my tracks.

‘What did you say?’ I turned around to look at him, his legs spread wide while he hung his head and let his hands run through his hair.

‘I’m jealous,’ he repeated as he looked up and our eyes met,’ when I saw you there in that stunning dress and the way you flirted with him…I know it makes no sense and I don’t even know why but…I’m sorry, I have no right to even say this.’

I was starting to feel even more lightheaded now and I doubted the alcohol had anything to do with it this time.

  ‘Seeing you with someone else still hurts me, Em.’

***

2005

 

It was almost a year after our first kiss, the one we never ever talked about again.

We just stumbled into our usual routine of being friends and it was actually nice. I enjoyed his friendship more than he would ever know and over the past months I had accepted that we would never be more and that it was probably for the best.    
I could see it all around me, relationships ended all the time, most of them not in a good way after which you were left with nothing. Lovers left each other, friends were there forever and I wanted him in my life, forever.

He sat down on the kitchen table in his small flat, whimpering sounds of pain coming from his mouth.  
‘I can’t believe you did that,’ I took one of the towels from the rack and put it under the tab while I let the water run,’ I was handling it fine, I didn’t need your help.’

I walked over to him and stood in between his legs as I carefully took the corner of the towel between my fingers and cleaned the blood from his forehead.  
His face was twisted in pain and I shook my head in a little smile.

‘Oh my knight in shining armor,’ I teased him,’ that guy barely touched you, honestly, you are such a weakling.’

  ‘He hit me really hard, alright,’ he said, hanging his head in embarrassment.

‘Well good, maybe you’ll think twice before you act next time.’ 

 If he was expecting sympathy he was not going to get it from me. Though I had to admit it was rather cute to see him stand up for me against a guy twice his size without even blinking.

‘I didn’t like the way he talked to you,’ he then said, a more serious tone in his voice this time.

‘Well, I didn’t either but you didn’t have to get into a fight over that,’ I sighed,’ I was getting rid of him.’

‘I didn’t like the way he looked at you,’ he looked up while he spoke the words and gave me the sweetest puppy eyes and that little apologetic smile he did so well. I instantly forget why I was even irritated with him to begin with.   

I hated when he did that, it was a power no man should have. 

I slowly cleaned the last bit of blood from his face and smiled.    
‘You can breathe again, it doesn’t look like you’ll be needing stitches.’

‘I don’t care about that,’ he took the towel from my hands and put it next to us on the table and then turned his head to look at me again, a serious look on his face.

‘Were you jealous?’ I asked with a little amused smile.

‘Very much,’ he said softly, wiping the smile from my face and making me shiver when he put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer so I was standing right in between his legs, the warmth of his body engulfing me while his eyes stayed locked with mine.

I let my hands run over his shirt to feel his chest and let out a deep sigh.  
‘We’ve been here before, Tom,’ I then said.

‘And I messed it up then,’ he spoke softly,’ I won’t mess it up this time.’

He leaned his face against mine, making me feel his warm breath against my cheek.  
 ‘I want you,’ he whispered,’ I’ve always wanted you.’

I don’t remember who kissed who first only that I completely melted into his arms as soon as our lips touched. His hands were everywhere, he grabbed my neck to hold me closer and deepened the kiss, slowly dipping his tongue in my mouth as he moaned into the kiss. 

I couldn’t think anymore, he switched positions with me and lifted me up onto the kitchen table, allowing him to stand in between my legs now. It became difficult to breathe when I felt his growing erection push up against my center, even through our clothes I could feel how hard he was and it was only making my desire for him grow.

‘I need you, Em,’ he breathed in between kissing me, adding more fire to my already burning centre.

‘I need you too,’ I moaned, tangling my fingers into his curls and spreading my legs wider, I pulled at his shirt and helped him lift it over his head. He gasped when I kissed his neck and shoulder blades and let my hands run across his chest.   
I wanted to kiss every inch of his pale skin and every freckle on his entire body and in that moment I couldn’t imagine how I had been able to fight that urge for over a year now.

Whatever feelings I had been denying myself all that time were now rising to the surface with a force I could no longer control. I had never needed or wanted anyone more and I realized I had been completely in love with him since that first kiss, and probably even before that.

‘Emmy,’ he moaned against my neck while his hands were caressing my breasts through my top, circling my nipples with his thumbs until they grew hard under his touch and I could no longer keep my moans quiet,’ bedroom…now…please.’  

He lifted me off the table and pulled me with him with a grin on his face and an impatient lustful look in his gorgeous blue eyes.

***

Today

 

‘Emmy?’ he asked.  

I woke from my thoughts and looked at him.  
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.  

I shook my head in a heavy sigh,’ You’re right, you had no right to say that to me right now.’  
He let out a deep sigh and stood up to come closer but I raised my hands to keep him at a distance.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said again.

‘Please stop apologizing, my god! Do you think it’s easy for me to see you with her? Do you think it doesn’t hurt me?’

‘But…you left me,’ I could see the confusion on his face. 

‘And I’ve regretted it every hour of every day since!’ I blurted out, covering my mouth with my hand as soon as I realized what I said. 

The look on his face took my breath away, I had never seen him this lost for words before, his mouth agape and a look of disbelief in his eyes.  
‘Em,’ he tried to take my hands but I took another step back.

This wasn’t part of my plan, make him jealous and then walk out with your head held high, that was the plan. This stupid alcohol induced flare of honesty was not part of it but it was too late to take it back now.   
I might as well go all out.

‘Just please tell me one thing and then we can pretend tonight never happened, okay?’

 ‘Anything,’ he spoke softly.

‘Do you love her?’ 

He was quiet, I could see the struggle on his face but it was unclear to me what exactly he was struggling with, was it coming up with an answer or telling me the truth that made him hesitate?   
‘Please, be honest with me,’ I pleaded.

I could see him shaking his head and when he looked at me again his eyes softened.  
‘Yes, of course I love her,’ he then answered,’ but…’  
’No buts,’ I quickly interrupted him, trying to ignore how my heart just broke into a million pieces,’ if you love her then…that’s it, nothing else matters then.’

I could feel the tears sting in the back of my eyes.   
‘It’s fine, it was my mistake,’ I spoke quietly,’ I let you go, that’s on me.’

I tried to swallow my tears but it was useless, with every passing second I could feel the effect of his words shattering me a little bit more.

‘It’s on me, it’s my own fault,’ my voice was shaking and I could see he was still reaching out his hand to me until I pushed it away,’ no, please stop trying to touch me!’

He lowered his hands and stood still when our eyes met, I don’t think I had ever seen him look more sad than he did right now. 

‘You’re only making this harder by being so nice to me,’ I sighed,’ I shouldn’t have come back here.’  
I could only see more confusion on his face.

‘To London, I mean,’ I explained,’ things were fine before, I was fine and now…seeing you again just messed me up.’

My lip was starting to shake and I could no longer think of the words I wanted to say to him,’ it was more than I could handle and it was a stupid idea to begin with.’ 

‘Why did you then?’ he was keeping his distance but his eyes were still searching mine for answers,’ why did you come back to me?’  

‘I don’t know,’ I admitted,’ I guess, part of me hoped we still had a chance, it’s stupid I know! I’m just being an idiot and I’m so drunk and I want to take back everything I just said to you right now.’

‘I waited for you for so long,’ he shook his head,’ every day I thought you would come back for me, for us. But every day you didn’t, not even a phone call, Em.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I sobbed,’ I’m so sorry.’

‘I thought you didn’t love me!’ his voice was breaking, making even more tears flow from my eyes. 

‘Whatever I did it was never because I didn’t love you, I loved you more than anything or anyone else in this entire world, Tom. I did then and I do now.’

I let out a long deep breath of relief when the words had left my lips. 

It didn’t even matter what his reaction was anymore, just being able to tell him and get it off my chest was everything I needed right now.  Somehow it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders but then I noticed the pain on his face and I realized the weight was now resting on his and I was suddenly filled with guilt.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered,’ I shouldn’t have put this on you, it isn’t fair…’

I stopped talking when I noticed the tears in his eyes and I felt my heart break.

Why had I felt the need to speak up in the first place? I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, it was too late for us, he was happy. He had been smiling and practically glowing the entire night by her side, and now he looked like a sobbing mess and it was all my fault. 

 I didn’t know what I had wanted from this night but this wasn’t it.

‘I love her,’ he spoke softly while he walked closer to me, I no longer had the strength or the will to stop him this time.  
‘I know,’ I sighed,’ it’s okay.’ 

‘No, it’s not,’ his voice was shaking and his hand reached for mine, making me shiver when our fingers finally touched,’ it’s not okay at all.’

I stayed quiet and just stared at him, his eyes were telling me everything before his lips even spoke. 

‘Because I still love you too, Em.’


	5. Chapter 5

I was walking Haley to work the next morning, supposedly because I didn’t want to miss our morning talks but even more so because I didn’t want to be left alone in the apartment with my thoughts right now. 

‘So where did you disappear off to last night?’ she asked while we walked out of Starbucks with our coffee,’ I looked everywhere for you before I left the party but I couldn’t find you.’

‘I was with Tom.’

‘Oh,’ she looked at me and raised her eye brow,’ with Tom or 'with' Tom?’

‘What? No! Nothing happened, my god, I do have some morals, you know!’ I protested,’ I wouldn’t do that, Hales, not while he’s still with her! He didn’t touch me…but…I think maybe he wanted to.’

She almost spat out her coffee,’ what?!’

‘I don’t know, maybe I’m seeing things I want to see again, but he told me he still loves me and that he was jealous seeing me with someone else.’

‘What?!’ she looked at me with a surprised grin on her face,’ oh my god, this story keeps getting better!’

‘Can we please stop referring to my life as ‘this story’?’

‘I’m sorry’, she smiled,’ but Em, this is huge.’

 ‘No it’s not, because it doesn’t really change anything,’ I sighed,’ he still loves her. And as long as he’s with her nothing is going to happen.’

‘But how can you say that this doesn’t change anything? Em, this changes everything!’

‘How so?’

She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to step in front of me and look me in the eyes.  

‘He’s not over you,’ she then spoke softly but firmly,’ which means it isn’t over, you still have a chance.’

‘But…’

‘No buts,’ she was pointing her coffee cup at me while she nodded her head,’ did you come here to get your man back or did you come here to give up now that it seems like an actual possibility?’

I bit my lip and then smiled at her,’ I came here to get him back.’

‘Good, then go out there and get him. GET HIM!’

  I shook my head but couldn’t help but smile at her determination.  
 ‘Alright,’ I sighed.

***

Later that afternoon I hesitantly walked up to Tom’s front door, I was still working up the nerve to ring his bell when the door opened right in front of me and his sister Emma stepped out.

  ‘Oh, hey, Emmy,’ she smiled,’ Tom’s not here, he’s with mum today, I was just on my way to catch up with them. Is there something I can do for you?’

 ‘No, it’s okay, I’ll just come back later then.’

‘Catherine’s here though if you want to catch up with her.’

I shook my head in an awkward smile,’ no, I’m good.’

 I could feel her staring at me while she put her keys into her handbag and she let out a little chuckle. 

‘What?’ I asked.

‘You hate her don’t you?’ 

‘What? Nooo!’ I waved my hand and shrugged my shoulders which only made me look less convincing.

‘It’s okay,’ Emma reassured me,’ I know the feeling, she can be annoyingly perfect, can’t she?’

‘Yes,’ I admitted,’ but her and Tom are a match made in heaven then, aren’t they?’

She smiled at me but shook her head,’ I was always rooting for you guys, you know. Ever since college. It just always seemed so obvious to me that you two would be end game, it’s funny how life surprises you sometimes.’ 

Yes, fucking hilarious… 

‘I’ve never liked her that much if I’m being really honest with you,’ she then added as she lowered her voice.

‘Emma, come on,’ this time I was the one shaking my head while I gave her a look of disbelief,’ I know she’s your friend and you introduced them to each other.’

‘I did that to get her off my back,’ she confessed,’ she’s an incredibly nice and genuine person but perfection wears you down after a while. It’s gets tiring to be around someone like that for too long, which is why I sort of dumped her on Tom so he would take her off my hands for a bit. I didn’t plan the rest, I never expected for them to…you know.’

I just stared at her in surprise and watched her expression change to a faint smile filled with guilt mixed with sympathy.  
  ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. Neither of us had to say more, we both knew what she meant and I gave her a small thankful nod.

‘Is he happy, Emma?’ I then asked. 

‘Well, you just said it, they are a match made in heaven, I should have seen it right away,’ she said,’ she’s exactly like him, they fit very well in every way but…in the long run I don’t know if exactly like him is what he really needs.’

I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just looked at her until she gave me a quick hug,’ I’m sorry, I have a train to catch, we’ll talk later, okay.’

I stood there for a few moments unable to move and decide what I should do, walk away or go inside and face Catherine. 

The decision was out of my hands when the front door opened and Catherine stood right in front of me, giving me a little smile.  
‘Would you like to come in?’

 That is the absolute last thing I want.

  ‘Sure,’ I smiled back at her and followed her into Tom’s house.

‘Did you have fun at the party last night?’ she asked as we walked into the living room.

Her voice sounded friendly enough but I heard a tone of judgement in there nonetheless, I tried my best to ignore it.  
 ‘It was a great party,’ I smiled while we sat down on the couch. 

‘I know something happened between you and Tom last night,’ she then said, taking away my last hope that she had no idea what happened in that bedroom.  
My breath was stuck in my throat as I tried to come up with an answer. 

‘I watched him follow you upstairs,’ she continued,’ he seemed so upset when he came back. After you left I tried to talk to him about what happened but I couldn’t get a word out, and this morning he rushed of to his parent’s house.’ Her voice was starting to break.

‘Catherine,’ I stuttered,’ nothing happened between us, I swear.’

‘Please don’t play me for a fool, Emmy.’

I could see tears in her eyes but she managed to stop them from falling and regained her strength. Her eyes found mine.  
  ‘He didn’t touch me,’ I said in a weak voice.

 ‘But something happened?’

‘I really…don’t think you should be talking to me about this,’ I said uncomfortably.

‘Please don’t take him from me, Emmy.’

‘Even if I wanted to, why would you think that was up to me?’  

She nodded her head and gave me a weak smile. 

‘Because I believe it is,’ her voice was breaking,’ I believe that if you ask him he will leave me. So before you do I need you to know that I love him more than anything else in my entire life, and I would do everything in my power to make him the happiest man on the planet. Everything, Emmy.’  
 I stared at her and nodded my head. 

‘So would I,’ I then whispered.

***

I met Tom by the Thames two nights later, it took a lot of convincing from Haley to get me to go through with it.  

After my last conversation with Catherine part of me wanted to throw in the towel. We both wanted the same thing, we both wanted him to be happy, and if I was completely honest I wasn’t even sure I was his best option.

 Maybe he’d be better off with Catherine. She was better than me in every way, prettier, nicer, more confident and more sane, probably smarter and definitely a better catch than me.

But she didn’t love him more than me, nobody loved him more than me.

I recognized his long legs from a distance as I walked up to him, he was wearing the same black pants and white shirt he wore at the party. He was standing with his back to me, staring down at the water until I gently tapped him on the shoulder.

I expected an awkward hello but to my surprise I was met with a smile and he didn’t hesitate to put his arms around me and pull me into a hug just like he always did, making me catch my breath. I closed my eyes to fully disappear into his embrace, I might have lost track of time standing there in his arms but it felt like he held me for several minutes, both of us not saying a word, until he released me.

‘Em,’ he spoke softly,’ about what happened at the party…’ 

‘Please,’ I gave him a little nervous smile,’ can we just pretend that didn’t happen? You know how I get when I’m drunk, I get overly dramatic, it’s just what I do. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, can we please just enjoy this night for what it is and not…think?’

He nodded his head and gave me a little smile,’ okay, so what is tonight then?’ 

‘I have a surprise,’ I said, making his eyes light up in curiosity.

 ***

The venue was small, I had heard about it from Haley a week before and I immediately knew Tom would love the whole thing.   
It was a very small and unknown theatre but the word of mouth for this play made sure they had every seat filled every single night. The company consisted of young upcoming talent and older undiscovered talent and I had to admit their version of Shakespeare’s Much ado about nothing was enthralling, even for a Shakespeare virgin like myself.

 I knew this was one of Tom’s favorite plays of all time and seeing it for the first time many years ago is where his love for acting had sprung, where he had first felt that passion for being on stage. 

I had to admit I spent most of the play not looking at the stage at all but looking at the man sitting next to me. How his eyes lit up with certain lines that he really loved, how the smile practically didn’t leave his face the entire time except for those parts where I could see other emotions taking over, how he leaned forward even though we were already sitting so close to the stage. 

His enthusiasm was that of a kid at the candy store and my heart was melting a little bit more every minute as I just sat there looking at him, realizing just how much I loved every little thing about him. 

It was stronger than myself, the play was nearing it’s end and without thinking my hand reached for his. He didn’t even look up and the expression on his face stayed the same but he took my hand and gently laced his fingers with mine.

We held hands until the curtain fell.

***

2005

It was dark in his bedroom, but I saw all I needed to see, his gorgeous blue eyes on me, with a look that was so intense it made my knees buckle. I softly kissed the cut right above his eye brow and took his hands into mine while he guided me towards the bed.

 His lips found mine in another heated kiss, we had kissed our way from the kitchen to his bedroom, hands grabbing every inch of skin they could reach. His shirt was lying on the kitchen floor while mine dropped down somewhere between the living room and the small hallway. 

His hands were nervously fumbling with the zipper of my jeans, I couldn’t help but laugh at the way his hands were shaking and I helped him by doing to same to his jeans. He gasped as I pulled the zipper down and I felt his growing erection push up against my hand. Both our jeans were discarded and we just stood there looking at each other for a minute, him wearing nothing but his boxers while I only had on my bra and panties. His eyes seemed to take in as much of me as he could in the dim light and he licked his lips.

  ‘Emmy,’ he breathed.

‘It’s alright,’ I smiled and kissed his lips again while he sank down on the bed and pulled me on his lap.

I was unable to hide the soft moan escaping my lips when I straddled him and felt his erection between my legs, his arms pulled me in a tight hug and I put my arms around his shoulders, heavy breaths coming from both of us now.

 ‘I want you,’ he whispered into my ear, his hand unclasped my bra with ease and he carefully took it off, letting his eyes roam over my breasts, and before I could say another word his mouth was on my nipple, sucking softly and making my centre ache for him as he licked his way from one breast to another.

‘Tom,’ I moaned and pulled at his curls while I let my head fall back and closed my eyes. Feeling his hands and his tongue on my heated skin and his erection pushing into my soaked panties, I could feel my desire taking over. 

I needed him and I needed him now.

I pushed him down further on the bed, he eagerly followed my lead and when I pulled of his boxers we both started to breathe heavier.  
He pulled my panties down and crawled higher up on the bed, his arm snaked around my hips and he turned us, making sure I was lying down and he was hovering over me now.

My legs parted for him and I welcomed his entire body with mine, arms around his neck and legs around his back.  

‘Oh god,’ he was moaning softly when his cock carefully nudged at my entrance, his pelvis was brushing against my most sensitive spot every time he moved, making me more than ready for him. I helped guide him inside me, gently and slowly but with an urgency we both couldn’t deny any longer. I let out a silent scream when he finally entered me, the moan on his lips was the most satisfying sound I had ever heard.

He stayed still, letting me get used to the feel of him inside me. His lips searched for mine and he kissed me again, it was such a gentle and caring kiss after which his eyes searched for mine.

 ‘Are you okay?’ he asked softly, genuine worry on his face.  

‘Yes,’ I whispered and I kissed him back, deeper and harder than he did and when my tongue found his again he was no longer able to fight his urges and he started moving his hips. The friction had us both moaning loudly within minutes. I bucked my hips to meet his thrusts and he leaned his face agains mine to keep his eyes on me.

  ‘You are so beautiful,’ he spoke softly in between moaning, making me want him more with every word,’ god, you’re so beautiful…my Emmy…my sweet darling…fuck.’

I laughed at the sudden loss of romance in his words but he quickly shut me up when he let his hand sink down between my legs and he started rubbing my clit, sending me over the edge very quickly.   
I could tell by his grunts and moans he was losing his last bit of control, his thrusts hard and frantic now, and his skilled fingers had me right there with him.

‘Tom,’ I moaned loudly,’ yes, please don’t stop, don’t stop…I’m…’

My head fell back into the pillow and everything turned black for a while as I lost myself in my orgasm. When I opened my eyes I could see he was in the same place, his mouth agape and his eyes closed as a long guttural moan left his lips while he spilled inside me.

We fell into each other’s arms, the room filled with nothing but our heavy breaths as they slowed down.

 ‘Emmy,’ he whispered while he let himself fall down next to me, keeping his arms around me and pulling me up against his chest. I stayed quiet and just lingered in his embrace.

‘Should we…talk about this?’ he asked after a while.

‘No,’ I whispered,’ not tonight.’

 ‘I want you to know…’

‘Tom,’ I interrupted him,’ there’s really no need.’

I turned to face him, the sweet smile on his face made my heart jump.  
 ‘This was wonderful,’ I spoke softly,’ everything about tonight, about you, was wonderful.’ I smiled at the big grin spreading all over his face. 

‘So were you,’ he then whispered.  

‘Can I just fall asleep in your arms now?’

 ‘There’s nothing I’d want more,’ he kissed my forehead and pulled the covers over the both of us while I snuggled up to him. 

  It didn’t take long for us to fall asleep, unaware of what the next day would bring and that we wouldn’t share a bed again after that one perfect night.

***

Today

 

It was dark by the time we walked by the water that night, Tom hadn’t stopped talking about the play since we left the theatre, unable to keep the happy smile from his face and I relished in his enthusiasm. 

‘Oh my goodness, Em, you have no idea how much I enjoyed that!’ 

‘I think it’s pretty obvious,’ I smiled, we stopped walking and looked down at the calm water and the lights of the city around us.   
Apart from a few other couples strolling the area it was quiet outside tonight. 

‘I can’t thank you enough for this night,’ he then said,’ I mean it, this was the best surprise you could have given me.’

‘You’re very welcome.’

‘I can’t believe I forgot,’ he was shaking his head,’ how amazing a performance like that can make you feel, lift you up, make everything so much more…alive. It’s hard to explain.’

‘You and Catherine never went to a play together?’

‘She doesn’t like them,’ he confessed,’ and with work and other obligations…it just never seemed like the right time. Life gets in the way, you know. But god I’ve missed it!’

‘Sometimes you don’t realize what you’ve been missing until it pops back into your life and reminds you,’ I spoke softly.  
 I was still staring at the water but I could feel his eyes on me.  
‘Yeah,’ he whispered.

‘I’m sorry,’ I shook my head and forced a smile,’ I didn’t mean to turn the mood, tell me again about your favourite lines.’  
He shook his head,’ tell me yours first.’

‘I only remember one,’ I confessed in a shy smile,’ it was something like: I do love nothing in the world as well as you.’

His eyes found mine and I could see the smile was completely gone from his face now while we finished the line together and spoke the words at the same time,’ Is that not strange?’

I was the first to turn my head away, feeling the blush creep up on my cheeks under his intense stare. I looked down to avoid his gaze,’ so, what’s yours then?’  
 He put his finger under my chin to lift it up, leaving me no choice but to look back at him.

 ‘I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest,’ he whispered, leaving me breathless and wondering if he was still quoting Shakespeare or speaking from his heart.   
I guess they were both the same thing.

‘Tom,’ I shook my head but leaned into his touch anyway, his fingers were caressing my cheek softly and a little hesitantly.

‘I can’t fight this anymore, Em,’ he then said, his voice was shaking,’ I can’t keep doing this.’

My heart was beating out of my chest, there were so many words I wanted to say to him but none of them made their way to my mouth and before I had a chance to react he stepped back from me.

‘Fuck, I’m sorry,’ he was shaking his head and I could see his inner struggle on his face,’ I can’t do this to Catherine. I can’t be around you, Em. This is too hard, I shouldn’t have come tonight.’

‘Please don’t say that,’ my emotions were overtaking my voice, making it shaky.

 I had to keep myself from latching onto him to stop him from leaving but he was already walking away.

‘Tom!’ my voice was covered in desperation but I already knew it was too late. He would not turn back around, and as if that realisation wasn’t hurtful enough he spoke the words that killed every last bit of hope I had left in me.

‘I wish you never came back, please just go back to Boston and let me live my fucking life without you, Em!’


	6. Chapter 6

‘You are not going back to Boston!’

‘What other choice do I have, Haley? He clearly doesn’t want me here.’ 

‘He’s being an idiot,’ she shook her head in a sigh,’ I mean it, you are not going anywhere, Em.’

We both sat on the couch in the apartment, empty boxes of our take away Chinese and half filled wine glasses on the table in front of us.

‘I am not letting you go,’ she added.

‘What else can I do? I know he still has feelings for me, but he also loves her and he is never going to leave her for me, so it’s over. I should just count my losses and go before I make things worse.’

‘You can’t go like this, if you disappear from his life after a fight again you will never forgive yourself, and neither will he.’

I could see flashes of the last time me and Tom said goodbye. It was all right there in my memory as if it was yesterday, the way he looked at me, the sadness and disappointment in his eyes, the harsh words that were spoken in anger and the softer ones that were never said but kept inside, and his last words:   
‘There’s nothing you could ever do to make me hate you, Em.’

I wondered of that was still true after everything…

I let out a deep sigh while I put down my glass and looked at Haley.

‘Alright, miss know-it-all,’ I then asked,’ what do I do then?’

‘I took the rest of the week off work,’ she said and she gave me an encouraging smile,’ we are going to explore London together and do all of the things we used to do. Well alright, not all of them, since we’re not 25 anymore.’  
She raised her eyebrow and put a smile on my face.

‘But we’re going to have fun,’ she added,’ I’m going to take you to our favorite places and a few new ones I want to show you. I swear I am going to put your mind on other things and other people if it kills me!’

I gave her a weak smile and nodded my head, she was my angel but making me forget about Tom was a task even Haley wasn’t up to.  
But I was also aware I had no other choice because she was right about one thing, going back to Boston was not an option, not yet.

To my own surprise Haley did manage to do the impossible during the next few days: actually take my mind of Tom and remind me of the beauty of London and why I had missed the city so much during my time overseas.  

Of course Tom still crossed my mind, that was the down side of London, it wasn’t just my city, it was also his. 

Haley was very subtle in avoiding those spots we all used to hang out together or the places she knew me and Tom visited often.  
She succeeded in putting me in a good mood and for the most part of my day I was too busy laughing and enjoying the sights and the food.

It wasn’t until Saturday when we arrived back in the apartment after a night on the town and I looked at my phone that my heart suddenly felt heavy again…I had two missed calls from Tom from earlier that night.

Haley could see the panic on my face, it was about a week now since I’d seen him and we hadn’t talked or even sent a text message to each other in the meantime. 

‘What do I do?’ I asked.

‘Do you want to talk to him?’ 

‘Not over the phone, no,’ I admitted.

‘Then do not answer it.’

‘But…’

Before I could say another word my phone rang again and Haley reached out her hand to me, I hesitated for a second but then put my phone in the palm of her hand and watched her answer it.

’Hello, Tom, it’s Haley, look she doesn’t really want to talk to you right now…Yeah, she’s fine, not thanks to you though…Yes, I know, but…look, don’t even start with me, those puppy eyes don’t work through the phone, asshole…’

 I couldn’t help but smile at her when she pulled a face at me and rolled her eyes. I could hear Tom talking through the phone but couldn’t make out what he was saying, which was probably for the best.

‘Oh stop with the whimpering, please,’ Haley continued in an unimpressed sigh,’ listen, if you have something to say to her, you come over here and say it, face to face, like a real man, alright?…You know what you need to do…’

She hung up on him and shook her head.   
‘Thank you,’ I said with a thankful smile,’ you’re my savior, Hales.’

‘Don’t even mention it,’ she shrugged her shoulders and sat down next to me on the couch.

‘I mean it,’ I insisted,’ I don’t know if I’ve said it before but without you…well, I’d be so lost.’

‘You are so lost.’

‘I’d be way more lost,’ I smiled,’ thank you.’

‘That’s what friends are for.’

‘So, what did he say?’ I asked softly.

‘Just that he needs to talk to you,’ she said.

‘How did he sound?’

‘I really don’t know, Em,’ she confessed. 

‘He’s just going to tell me to go,’ I sighed,’ I know it, he’ll be all friendly and sweet, and he’ll apologize for last time, because that’s what he does. But then he’ll tell me that he loves her, and that me and him are over, have been for a long time and it would just be best for everyone if I went back to where I came from.’

‘Em…’

‘It’s fine, the truth is I knew how this would end all along,’ I admitted,’ he was right, I never should have come back.’

Haley let out a deep sigh and then looked at me,’ alright, I need to tell you something.’

‘What is it?’

‘God,’ the sigh leaving her lips was heavy,’ Tom made me promise to never tell you but…’

I looked at the serious expression on her face and felt my heart starting to race.

‘You’re scaring me right now.’ 

She gave me a weak smile,’ it’s nothing to get scared about, it’s just…given the situation, I think I should tell you.’  
I just stared at her and nodded my head, waiting for whatever she was going to put on me.

‘Okay, this happened a couple of years ago right after you left for Boston…’

 

***

2012

Haley’s Pov

 

The knock on the door was getting louder and harder, whoever was at the other end was desperate to come in and it was clear he or she wouldn’t give up easily.   
So much for ignoring it and just staying in my safe spot on the couch. 

‘Alright,’ I yelled while I got up and made my way to the door of my apartment.

A male voice in distress came through from the other side,‘ Haley? Please open up the door.’

 All I could do was stare at him, his shirt was wrinkled, his curls messy but his face was what shook me the most. I had seen a man cry before but I had never seen a man in tears like this. His eyes were red and his cheeks wet and the sad distressed look on his face made my heart break for him.

‘She’s gone,’ his voice came out hoarse,’ she’s gone, Hales.’

‘I know, Tom, come in,’ I sighed and opened the door to let him step inside.

I led him to the couch and sat down next to him.  
‘She just called me an hour ago,’ I then said,’ I’m so sorry, Tom.’

He brushed the tears from his face and shook his head, confusion all over his face.

‘Did she tell you…why?’

‘No,’ I shook my head,’ I’m sorry, all I know is she was really stressed lately. And then her mum asked her to go with her and…’

‘I can’t believe she just left,’ his hand was running through his curls, making even more of a mess of them,’ what did I do wrong?’

‘It’s nothing you did, Tom, and it’s nothing you could have done.’

‘I should go there,’ he ignored my words, as if the idea suddenly came to him and he was convinced it was what he had to do,’ I need to follow her to Boston and tell her…just reassure her that it’s alright and we’ll work it out, whatever it is.’

‘I don’t think that will help, Tom.’

‘But I love her, Hales,’ he then said and I could see more tears springing to his eyes,’ I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her. And I don’t think I ever will again.’

‘She already knows that,’ I sighed and I put my hand on his in an attempt to calm his thoughts,’ as long as she’s not ready she won’t hear you, love. No matter how many times you say those words.’

‘What is she so scared of?’ he asked,’ I know she loves me, I know that’s not the issue.’ 

‘She’s scared you’ll change your mind, maybe not now or in a month but in a year or so, that you’ll grow sick of her and you’ll get bored and leave.’  
‘Did she tell you that?’ he asked. 

I nodded my head,’ it’s all people have ever done to her, Tom. Me and her mum are the only ones that stayed but the men in her life…from her father to her childhood best friend to her first real asshole boyfriend. Every single one of them was filled with promises and big words, but when it really came down to it they left her, just like that.’

He was quiet, I could see my words had an impact and made him even more sad but it felt right to at least try and explain it to him, because it was clear Emmy hadn’t.

‘I would never do that to her,’ he shook his head.

‘I know you wouldn’t, but needless to say they left some scars and clouded her judgement,’ I continued,’ plus she never believed she was good enough for you to begin with.’ 

‘Yeah,’ he confessed,’ I knew that, but…the opposite is true.’

‘Oh, I agree.’

For the first time I could see a little smile through his tears but it was gone as quickly as it appeared.

’So, what do I do now?’ he asked,’ how do I get her back?’

I let out a deep sigh before I spoke the next words,’ you don’t.’

He just looked at me in surprise.

‘I think you should let her go, give her time at least,’ I continued,’ I know that’s the last thing you want to hear, but I really think the best place for you guys to be right now is apart. You’ve both been dancing around this thing for years, the longer you drag it the worse it’s going to get.’ 

His eyes left mine and I could see him stare out in front of him, his thoughts already somewhere else.

‘You’ll only cause each other more pain,’ I added,’ is that what you want for her?’

 

***

 Today 

 

‘I’m so sorry,’ Haley sobbed,’ I’m so, so sorry, Em. I thought I was helping you, I wanted to save you both more grief but…’

‘He told me Emma was the one who stopped him but it was you,’ I shook my head in a little smile,’ and you were right.’ 

She looked at me in surprise,’ you’re not mad?’

‘Mad? Why would I be mad? You tried to do what was best for us.’

‘But I was wrong!’

I shook my head in a sigh and looked at her again,’ were you?’

 She was still shaking her head and opened up her mouth to say something but I raised my hand to stop her.

‘Because it seems to me you were right on the money,’ I then said,’ you know I don’t believe in fate or any of that crap but if me and him were meant to be at all it shouldn’t be this hard, should it?’

‘Love is hard, Em.’

‘Says who?’ I shook my head,’ love should be easy, it shouldn’t make you feel bad all the time, that’s not love, that’s…torture. Why should I keep doing this to myself?’

Before she could answer my cell phone rang and a text message popped up on the screen. 

It was Tom: ‘ I really need to see you, Em, will you let me come by Haley’s apartment? Please, darling?’

I let out a deep sigh.

‘That’s why,’ Haley said with a little smile and she pointed her finger at me,’ because nothing else can make your face light up like it did just now.’

 I shook my head and tried to hide the blush on my face and deny her words,’ my face did not light up.’

‘Oh please, it was like sunlight burst through the curtains in here.’

I gave her a weak smile. There was no way I could hide it, I knew she was right, I had felt the little jump my heart made reading his text.

‘What did he say?’ she asked.

‘He wants to come over here. Do you think I should let him?’

‘I think you want this thing to end, be it good or bad,’ she said,’ so yes, I think you should let him.’

She stood up and patted me on the shoulder with a smile on her face,’ I’ll be out of your way so you guys can be alone.’

***

My nerves were through the roof by the time I opened the door about an hour later. 

I had tried to keep myself calm by tidying up the apartment and texting Haley who had gone out to visit a friend, but it was all futile. The thought of seeing Tom and being alone with him had me completely on edge, I was relieved when the door bell finally rang.   

He stood right in front of me and I felt myself calm down a bit when I noticed he was just as nervous as I was. He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands and the smile on his face was a hesitant one.

  ‘Hey,’ he nodded his head nervously,’ thank you for agreeing to see me.’

‘Of course, Tom.’

‘After last time I wasn’t sure you’d…I’m sorry, Em. I should have never said what I said to you.’

I ignored his apology and opened the door further to let him step inside, he followed me to the kitchen where we both stopped by the counter, hesitant to take a seat or stand too close to each other.   
This level of awkwardness was new to us, especially to him, he was usually so quick to make me feel at ease, crack a joke or give me a comforting hug that took all the tension away but now he seemed afraid to approach me. 

‘I am sorry, Em,’ he repeated.

‘You have nothing to be sorry for,’ I sighed,’ Tom, you were right. I came back here expecting something I should have known would never happen. And that wasn’t fair to you, and it definitely wasn’t fair to Catherine. You two are building a life, I had no right to try and jump in, I’m nothing but a flashback from your old life. I’m holding onto memories and I think it’s time I let them go.’ 

He just looked at me without saying a word. I was surprised by how calm my voice sounded, somehow I willed my emotions to lay low, at least until I got out what I needed to say to him.

‘I think it’s time I let you go,’ I then said.

He nodded his head while he lowered his eyes.

‘What do you really want, Emmy?’

‘I just want you to be happy.’

‘No, I didn’t ask what you wanted for me,’ he then said,’ I asked what you wanted. Forget about what I said, forget about our past or my future, forget about Catherine. In your dream scenario, what do you want?’ 

I could do nothing but stare at him, I was completely lost for words. 

‘I don’t see why this matters, Tom,’ I stuttered hesitantly after a few seconds.

‘Please don’t avoid the question, Em, I know you’re very good at that but this time I need your answer. You came back here after all this time for a reason, at least give me that, your total honesty, I deserve that.’

The look in his eyes was giving me goosebumps but I still couldn’t find my words.

‘I need to hear you say it,’ he then said, softer but still insistent,’ tell me what you want.’

I nodded my head, I could feel my control slip away as my emotions took over. 

This is what he wanted, he wanted to see me vulnerable and that was exactly what he was going to get.

‘I want you,’ I whispered.

‘I need more than that.’

 I fought back tears and bit my lip before I continued,’ alright, I want you to leave Catherine. I want you to tell me you’re still in love with me, that it’s always been me. And that you forgive me for leaving you, that you understand why I had to…’   
My tears were taking over, I wiped them away and turned my back to him before I continued,’ I want you to know that I never, ever, wanted to cause you any pain. And I want to stay here in London, with you, I want us to work because this time for once we got the timing right and there is nothing else in our way and I am ready now, I am so completely ready.’

I turned back around to face him and met his teary eyes, now only adding to my own sadness.

My voice was shaking when I continued,’ I want you to know you’re the only man in my life, there has never been anyone else and there never will be. And I just want you to put your arms around me and kiss me so I can finally feel what it’s like to be whole again.’

I wiped my tears and shook my head, determined to get through this in one go,’ I love you, Tom, and I have since the moment I met you but I’m the stupidest woman on the planet. Letting you go was the biggest mistake I ever made and I still kick myself for it every single day. And even if you walk out of my life right now I want you to know that I will go on loving you because I don’t know how to do anything else.’

My tears got the better of me and it took me a moment before I could speak again,’ I will always love you no matter what, even if I have to let you go now. And I really, really wish I didn’t have to.’

He nodded his head and I could see a tear slide down his cheek.

 ‘Is that what you wanted to hear?’ I asked.

‘Yes,’ he whispered,’ that was what I needed to hear.’ 

He wiped his tears away and looked at me again, his expression so serious I couldn’t tell if he was very calm or just very nervous.

 ‘Well, now you know,’ I let out a defeated sigh,’ there’s only one more thing. I need you to know that it’s okay, that I’m okay and I don’t want you to feel bad for me or feel guilty. I only want happiness for you and I know Catherine will give you everything you deserve and I’m sure she can make you very happy and…’

I couldn’t finish my last sentence because he took a step closer to me and interrupted me with a shaky voice,’ I broke up with her two days ago.’


	7. Chapter 7

2005

 

I’m not sure who was more nervous, him or me. If it was him he didn’t show it, what was the expression again: to own a stage? 

Well, he was owning it, every word, every gesture, every emotion. I noticed every single person in the crowd around me had their eyes on him the entire time, even during the scenes where he wasn’t speaking.

The room was packed, it was a one time performance from his university Theatre club, one night only so everyone had as many friends and family there as they possibly could get together. 

I was sat next to Haley who sat next to Emma and Tom’s mum followed by a few of his closest friends.   I might as well have been there all alone because I didn’t pay attention to anything around me, all I had eyes for was him.  

The words seemed to flow from him, like this was all he had ever done, the more I watched him the more I was convinced that this was all he should ever be doing.   
He had mentioned his love for acting many times before in conversation, but I always assumed it was just a childhood dream. Tonight I was witness to how much more it was to him.

  I had never seen him more passionate or more happy than right now in this moment, him on the stage and all eyes on him.  
 I had no words for how talented he was, his presence was incredibly engaging, his body language so strong and the emotions. I sat there going through all of them with him, and I hadn’t even noticed until the curtain fell that I had tears in my eyes.

It had been five months now since we shared a bed, a night I still went back to in my mind way too often. Watching him on that stage and seeing how perfectly his body moved through every scene I couldn’t help but remember how that body felt when it moved against mine and how much I had missed it. 

Him.

I rose from my seat for the standing ovation, seeing him search the crowd for someone he knew, I assumed his mum, but his eyes kept searching even after he found her. 

‘He was amazing, wasn’t he?!’ Haley’s enthusiastic voice filled my ears, bringing me back to earth and out from under the spell Tom had put me in during the play. 

‘I never doubted it for a second,’ I smiled back at her.

We joined Emma and Tom’s mum, Diana, for drinks at the bar after the show. Diana was beaming with pride, it warmed my heart to see how proud she was of her son and how supportive she was in his dream. 

I tried my best to engage in the small talk and answered all questions coming my way but my mind wasn’t really there, I was anxious to see him and I knew he would come out and meet us very soon. 

We had seen each other only in passing during the last few months, it seemed to have become our MO to share an intimate moment and then get distracted by real life. And that life always managed to pull us away from each other, even to another country this time.

I noticed his blond curls first, peaking out above everyone else’s heads as usual. Diana laughed loudly when he pulled her into a hug and asked her nervously if he did okay. A bright relieved smile overtook his face when she started complimenting him and set his nerves at ease. He received the same reaction from his sister Emma, making him glow even more by the time he reached me and Haley.

‘You were amazing, Tom,’ Haley smiled into his hug,’ congratulations, you nailed it.’

‘Thank you, love, and thank you for coming,’ he broke the hug and turned around to face me.   
His smile slowly faded as soon as his eyes met mine.

‘Emmy,’ his voice was so soft and the look on his face so serious it made me weak in the knees,’ you’re here…I thought…I…Em…’

The same guy who didn’t screw up a single line on that stage was now completely lost for words, it was so endearing I couldn’t help but smile at him.

‘Did you really think I would miss your debut?’ I then said, finally putting the smile back on his face.

‘I thought you were in Paris?’

‘I was,’ I answered,’ I am, but I came back for the weekend to see you.’

He stepped closer to me, putting his back towards his family and Haley, creating some privacy between us.  
‘Was it worth it?’ he then asked softly.

I put my hands on his chest and looked into his eyes,’ most definitely, you were breathtaking out there. I know I’m biased but I’m sure everyone in here agrees with me, you were the star of the show, you were born to be on that stage. And I couldn’t be more proud of you.’ 

His warm smile was making me shiver and my hands were still resting on his chest, waiting for him to at least hug me but he wasn’t moving.

‘So yes, it was worth it,’ I added,’ you are worth it.’

His smile was gone again and he bit his lip and broke eye contact. For a moment I thought I had said too much and he would pull away but then he put his hands on my waist and slowly pulled me closer to him until our bodies touched. 

 ‘I was so disappointed when Haley told me you were in Paris, of all the people I wanted here tonight you…you were the one I needed, Em,’ he spoke quietly, his words only meant for me,’ I’ve missed you.’

‘I’ve missed you too,’ I put my arms around his neck and pulled him close, ignoring that his mother was right there next to us but Tom didn’t seem to care either. He tightened the hug and I could hear him smile against my ear.

 ‘I need to say hello to a few people,’ he then spoke softly,’ will you wait for me? Please? I’d really like us to talk.’

I stayed for another hour even after Diana, Emma and eventually Haley had left. I took a seat in a small booth close to the bar with my drink and waited for him to return. Part of me feared he wouldn’t show but a little after midnight he suddenly popped up next to me.

‘Are you saving that seat for someone special?’ he asked with that charming smile.

‘Well, I was, but it looks like he’s not coming so you might as well take it,’ I joked, making him let out a little chuckle. 

I moved a little further down the bench to make room for him and his long legs.

‘I’m sorry it took so long,’ he gave me an apologetic smile,’ seems I know a lot more people than I realized.’

‘I know, it’s fine, ’ I smiled. His face was a little flushed, probably from all the wine, and his eyes looked tired. I’m sure tonight must have been stressful for him, even if he didn’t show it, but there was also a calm and a very content air hanging over him.

I looked up when I felt his hand rest on the small of my back.  
‘Hey,’ he whispered, looking deeper into my eyes and giving me that stare he knew I couldn’t resist.

‘Hey, you,’ I spoke softly and put my hand on his knee, not allowing my eyes to look anywhere else but into his. 

We didn’t speak for a few minutes but he was inching closer to me and his hand was rubbing my back really softly and slowly. I was melting into his arms but I knew tonight was a dream and tomorrow would bring us both back to reality, a reality in which we were miles away from each other and in which nothing had changed. 

As if he was reading my thoughts he carefully took my hand and gave it a soft comforting pinch,’ when do you have to be back in Paris?’

‘Tomorrow night.’

 ‘Then stay the night with me,’ he whispered and he leaned his forehead against mine,’ please.’

He put a soft kiss on my cheek and then brought his lips to mine, I didn’t hesitate to kiss him back. I didn’t need him to say anything else, his kisses and wandering hands were enough to show me he had missed me as much as I had missed him.  I forced myself to come up for air after a few minutes, his breath was heavy against my cheek and we both couldn’t help but giggle.

‘I’m sorry,’ he then said,’ I know things may have changed for you these past months but…they haven’t for me.’  
Our eyes met again.

‘They haven’t for me either, Tom, but…’  
 He put his index finger on my lips, making me eat my words.  
 ‘No buts,’ he pleaded.

‘But there are buts,’ I put my hand on his chest to keep his face at a distance and his lips away from mine,’ I leave again tomorrow, for another six months, I don’t think this is a good idea right now.’

He looked at me with a blank expression for a few seconds and then nodded his head.  
‘I know you’re right, it’s a bad idea,’ he then said,’ but…I want you.’

‘I want you too,’ I sighed,’ but if I sleep with you…I’m only going to want you more tomorrow. And I don’t need that right now, I don’t need to miss you more than I already do, Tom.’

I expected him to try and kiss me again, convince me that one night wouldn’t hurt us and we should take advantage of the opportunity and just live for tonight but he didn’t do either of those things and part of me felt disappointed that he didn’t.

He just put both his arms around me and pulled me against his chest without saying another word, his hands stroking my back and my hair. We spent the rest of that night cuddling in the booth, I talked about my time at my internship in Paris and he talked about his preparation for the play.

It was morning by the time we said goodbye to each other, we shared one more long kiss outside of the bar and then both went our separate ways again.

We added another beautiful memory to a long list but it would still lead us nowhere. I got on the plane to Paris in tears the next day.

***

Today

 

‘I…you…what?’ my voice was barely making any sound, all I could do was stare at him and try and convince myself I hadn’t just imagined him saying those last words. 

‘I broke up with her two days ago,’ he repeated in a sigh as if he knew I needed to hear it again. I stayed quiet.

‘I love Catherine,’ he then said,’ she is an extraordinary amazing woman.’

‘I get it,’ I sighed,’ she is, and you…’

‘Hear me out,’ he interrupted me quickly,’ she is pretty amazing but she’s not you, Em.’

He took another step closer and looked into my eyes,’ there’s no other you out there, believe me, I’ve looked.’   
I shook my head in a little smile and he gave me a shy smile back while his hand came to rest on my hip.

‘So what do you want, Tom?’ I asked.

‘You,’ he spoke softly and he leaned his forehead against mine, making me shiver,’ I’ve always wanted you, ever since the first time you rejected me at that party. And even after every time you’ve rejected me since, I still want you, Em.’

  I shook my head and put my hands on his shoulders to pull him closer,’ I only rejected you because I was so scared.’

‘Are you still?’ he asked, a hopeful look in his eyes.

‘The only thing I’m scared of is losing you again,’ I confessed, putting a little smile of relief on his face while he nuzzled his nose against my cheek and woke up the butterflies in my stomach.

‘Am I dreaming this?’ I whispered.

He pulled back a little to look into my eyes and then leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine in a sweet soft kiss.  
‘Did that feel like a dream?’ he asked while his thumb caressed my cheek.

 ‘Oh yeah, I’ve had this dream many times actually.’

His smile lit up his entire face and made him look even more gorgeous. But then his face changed into the most loving look I had ever seen from him, the softness in his eyes nearly broke my heart and he let out a deep sigh while he took my hand and spoke in a serious tone,’ Emmy, my darling…’

It was enough to trigger me and the tears started flowing.   Tears for the love I had held back from him for all those years, and all those times my fear and doubt broke his heart.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I sobbed,’ I’m so, so sorry for what I did to us.’

He only shook his head, put his arms around my waist and held me tight against his chest.  
I clung to his shoulders and let my tears run freely, whispering the same words over and over again into his ear,’ I love you, I love you, I love you.’

His hand cupped the back of my neck and brought my face in front of his while his lips found mine in a soft but longer kiss this time, stopping the tears from falling.   
He broke our kiss for just a few seconds, just enough time to whisper the words back to me before his mouth was on mine again and I felt his tongue on my lips begging for entrance.

My arms were around his neck and I deepened our kiss, his body was already touching mine but I still needed him closer. 

I wanted to melt into him, let him know that I was his, completely his. All of me. There was no doubt this time, no new girlfriend to come between us, no sudden twist of fate that would pull us apart. I would never let that happen ever again.

I carefully pulled his shirt over his head while he guided me to the couch, I pushed him down and straddled him.

‘We don’t have to rush this,’ he whispered as he grabbed my neck again and forced me to look into his eyes,’ I mean it, if you want to take it slow…’    
The words on his lips were a clear contradiction to the growing lust in his eyes.

‘I know,’ I gave him an encouraging smile,’ but I think we’ve wasted enough time, don’t you?’  
He smiled and closed his eyes when I kissed him again. 

His hands found their way underneath my shirt and carefully pulled it up over my head and threw it on the ground next to us.  His breath was getting heavier while his hands explored every inch of my naked back and shoulders. I could feel his fingers sinking into my skin and leaned my forehead against his so I could look into his eyes. 

‘I don’t want us to waste a minute longer,’ I whispered and he pulled me down on his lap, every single touch of him was setting me more and more on fire. I wanted him, I needed him.

 His hands sank down to my lower back and came to rest on my ass while he pushed his hips up from the couch and against my center, I could feel the bulge in his pants growing even through my jeans. I rolled my hips against him, making us both breathe a little louder and heavier.

There was no more time for patience and taking it slow, we had been taking it slow for way too long. 

‘I want you,’ he whispered in my ear,’ God, I want you so bad, Em.’ 

We were grinding up against each other, both desperate for some kind of friction, he was biting his lip trying to fight back his moans but I didn’t want him to fight anymore.   
I let my hand sink down between us to open his jeans, a soft moan on his lips when my hand slipped into his pants. His eyes closed as I started rubbing him slowly but firmly, his face was twisted between pleasure and sweet torture and after a while his eyes found mine again, his look suddenly focussed entirely on me and no longer on his own pleasure.

He lifted me off his lap and pushed me down on the couch, his hands unbuttoning my jeans and pulling them off my legs, quickly followed by my panties and him climbing on top of me.

 ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered in a little embarrassed smile before he kissed me again, slowly and gently, a contradiction to how fast he got me out of my clothes,’ I don’t meant to rush you, but…’

‘Rush me, please, I beg of you,’ I pulled his pants lower and freed his erection. We both started panting when I felt him bump against my inner thigh.

‘I’ve been thinking about this every single day for the past years,’ my voice came out hoarse and filled with lust,’ believe me, this is not rushing.’

I spread my legs and put my arms around his neck to hold him close to me, letting my fingers caress the back of his neck while our eyes found each other again,’ I need you, Tom.’

I wish I remembered exactly what happened after that but my emotions took over.   
I remember feeling complete with him inside me, how everything fell into place, his eyes that never left mine, him softly panting against my face with every thrust.

Him slowing down as soon as my eyes started to fill with tears again, tears of pure happiness this time. The overwhelming realisation that he was here, in my arms, that he was finally mine.  The loving relieved look on his face when I convinced him everything was perfect, how we just kissed for several minutes before he moved in me again.

No more slowing down or hesitating, just me and him and how we fit, how we had always fit.

And how he lost the last bit of his control and bit my shoulder with a cry of pleasure as it washed over him, taking me with him in one perfect and long awaited moment. And the whispers of love into my ear long after as we lay awake in each other’s arms on Haley’s couch.

 ***

When I entered the kitchen the next morning I found Haley at the breakfast table, a big bright smile on her face when she watched me walk in.  

‘Good morning,’ she said while she turned to me.

‘Good morning, I didn’t hear you come in last night?’

‘I wanted to give you guys time,’ she smiled over her cup of coffee and looked up at me with a hopeful look in her eyes,’ did it help?’

I was unable to hide the happy grin on my face as I nodded my head and sat down next to her at the kitchen counter.  
‘He just left an hour ago,’ I said, making her smile even wider.

‘So I assume it went well?’

‘Yes,’ I grinned again and I covered up my face with my hands,’ good god, I can’t stop smiling.’

‘I’ve noticed, you seem annoyingly happy,’ she lifted her eye brow and poured me a cup of coffee.

‘I’m sorry,’ I shook my head,’ but yes, everything went well, really well, and he stayed the night.’

‘Was it as good as you remembered?’  
   
‘We only did it once before, but god yes…so much better,’ I smiled,’ but that’s not the most important thing, it was just…having him here with me, you know. In my bed, in my arms, knowing there was no other place he needed to be, or wanted to be…god, Hales, I can’t even describe what I’m feeling right now.’  
I could see her lift her eye brow again and I bit my lip.

 ‘Fine, I’ll shut up now.’   
But before she could say anything I was talking again,’ It’s just…I think I’m about to wake up from a very beautiful dream any minute now, this feels like a perfect fairytale and those just don’t happen to me.’

She leaned over to pinch me in the arm,’ it’s happening, enjoy it.’

‘I am,’ I nodded my head and remembered Tom’s gorgeous face as he left earlier that morning, his messy morning hair and the taste of his kisses still on my lips as he waved me goodbye from down the street.

 ‘But please enjoy it in silence and wipe that smug happy smile off your face,’ she added.

I started apologizing again but she quickly put her hand on my shoulder and just shook her head.

‘I am deliriously happy for you two, okay,’ she then spoke more seriously,’ this was a long, looooong time coming.’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘So what happens now then?’ she then asked, a more serious look on her face,’ I mean, are you going back to America?’

I could hear a hint of hesitation when she asked the question. 

‘You mean am I going to run away again now that I’ve got what I wanted?’  

‘I wouldn’t put it that bluntly but yes.’

 ‘I don’t blame you for putting it that bluntly,’ I sighed and I looked into her eyes,’ but no, I guess I’m…coming back to London to stay.’

The relieved smile on her face comforted me,’ I’m glad to hear it.’

‘Which brings me to another issue, I know you’re probably sick of me but is there any chance I could stay here for just a little bit longer? Just until I get settled.’

‘Don’t even mention it,’ she smiled,’ this flat will always be your home, Em. Stay as long as you like.’

‘You’re a life saver, honestly, you are, I probably would have gone back to Boston if it hadn’t been for you.’

‘You wouldn’t have, I’m sure of it, I just told you what you already knew you should be doing and calmed you down when you were losing hope. You would have done it by yourself either way, it just would have been…messier and even more dramatic probably.’   
We both laughed. 

‘Probably,’ I then smiled,’ but thank you anyway.’

‘So, what else can I do now?’ she then asked. 

‘You’ve done more than enough, but well, I am in desperate need of a job…’

***

Tom carried my suitcase across the platform of St Pancras station, he had grabbed my hand as soon as we got off the tube and hadn’t let go since.

There were no words to describe how amazing it felt to walk alongside him, not having to hide my affection for him or feel sad because he would go home to another woman soon.

This time I was her, the woman he would return home to, the luckiest woman on the planet. 

I still needed Haley to pinch me.

 But before my life with him could really start there were a few things I needed to put in order in Boston.

‘So, how long?’ he asked.

‘Three days, four tops, just until I have all my things in order,’ I put my arm around his neck and felt both his arms snake around my waist.   
His eyes found mine and I noticed the worry in them straight away, even though he tried his best to hide it with a smile. 

‘I’ll call you every day,’ I said,’ or not if you don’t want that, I don’t want to be the clingy girlfriend that smothers you.’  
He just smiled and brought his face closer to mine,’ that’s quite alright, smother me.’

He pressed his lips on mine in a featherlight kiss. It was enough to make me weak and I pulled him closer, burying my face into the crook of his neck to take up his smell and linger into his hug.

I could hear him let out a deep breath before he spoke,’ just so you know, if you don’t come back this time I am coming after you.’   
His voice was soft but there was no hesitation in his words and I knew he meant it.

‘I’m coming back’, I told him and I broke the hug to be able to look into his eyes and convince him there was no doubt in my words either,’ I’m coming back, Tom.’ 

‘Good,’ he smiled and kissed me again, a longer one this time that had us both out of breath and made me cling to his shoulders for support.

‘I should get on the train before it leaves without me,’ I sighed.  He nodded his head and gave me an encouraging smile.   
‘Oh, I almost forgot,’ he then said, stepping back a little bit but still keeping his hands on my waist while he spoke,’ I had an audition yesterday.’  
The look of surprise on my face made him laugh.

‘An audition? I didn’t know you still did those?’

‘I didn’t,’ he spoke more seriously now,’ well, I hadn’t until…it’s with that company you took me to see. I checked up on them after the show and their website said they held auditions this week so I thought…why not?’

‘And? How did it go?’

‘They called me this morning to tell me I got the part.’  
The little proud smile on his face melted my heart and I pulled him into another hug.

‘That’s fucking amazing,’ I smiled,’ I’m so proud of you for doing this.’

‘It’s not a lead or anything,’ he quickly added,’ but I thought that maybe I could take it up again and see where it goes.’

‘Where did this come from?’ I asked.

 ‘From you,’ he said softly and he leaned his forehead against mine,’ you made me realize there were things I’ve been missing. You reminded me that sometimes it’s okay to not give up on a dream, to want things you thought weren’t meant for you. Sometimes those dreams are what makes life worthwhile.’  
 I couldn’t form any words while I heard him speak and the tears welled up in my eyes.

‘You woke up a passion in me I thought I lost forever, Em,’ he continued,’ I had it locked away so deep these past years because…’  
As I stared into his eyes I could see he was struggling to fight back his own tears.

‘Are you talking about acting or me now?’ I asked softly.

‘Both,’ he gave me a little smile,’ I had to step back from the two things I loved the most because they were filled with so much pain and disappointment and regret, it was easier to just leave it all in the past and move on.’

He cupped my face with his hands and the smile returned to his face.  
‘But I never have,’ he whispered,’ I couldn’t move on from you because I didn’t really want to. Seeing you again after all that time…being able to talk to you again, to have you close to me, to hug you…you have no idea what that did to me.’

‘I think I can imagine,’ I leaned into him and smiled and then he put his arms around my neck and stared deep into my eyes.

  ‘I am never, ever, letting you go again, I love you, my darling Emmy.’

‘I love you,’ I whispered.

We stood in silence for a while, clinging to each other and staring into each other’s eyes like two annoyed teenagers who were in love for the very first time.

‘You should get on,’ he then sighed.

‘I know,’ I was still holding onto him when he put my suitcase on the train and me with it.

 ‘Three days,’ I sighed,’ I won’t need more.’

‘I’ll be right here waiting,’ he smiled and he leaned in closer to plant another soft kiss on my lips,’ now go.’

I finally brought myself to let go of him and managed to find a spot by the window, I sank into the seat and heard the doors close as soon as I sat down. 

Tom was standing on the platform, he walked closer to my window so he could keep his eyes on me while the train started moving. I watched him put his hands in his pockets while he gave me warm smile and walked with me for a while, the sadness in his eyes was unmistakeable as he watched the train carry me away from him.   
I could see him mouth the words ‘I’ll miss you’ and I watched him grow smaller and smaller, the last image was him blowing a kiss at me.

The tears were streaming down my face, I was unable to stop them. Going to America was the last thing I wanted right now but I had to, there were things I couldn’t just leave unfinished like that. 

Most of it was paperwork and picking up some of my stuff and make arrangements to send over the rest, but most importantly I wanted to see my mother and tell her in person that I was moving back to London. I knew she would be devastated and insanely happy for me at the same time.

By the time we arrived in Heathrow my tears had dried, I knew what I had to do and it was like a sudden calm fell over me. 

I was finally starting the life I had wanted for so long and I was ready for it this time. There was none of the usual worry or panic, no commitment issues or any doubt in my heart. The past didn’t matter anymore, all I could think of was coming home to him, feeling his arms around me and see that warm smile that still made my heart jump even after all those years.

There never had been anyone else for me and there never would be. He was my past and my future, and my heart had always known it.

I loved him first, I’ll love him always.


End file.
